Live Your Age, But Don't Act Like It

There is a difference between being old and acting old. Unfortunately, too many of my fellow seniors have aged faster than their years would indicate. They have a disease called IGUYA. As in, "I Gave Up Years Ago." They're overweight, over medicated, overly dramatic, overly pessimistic and over the hill.

Here are some symptoms to judge if you have IGUYA:

1. There is a handicap sticker draped over your rear view mirror. Being fat does not qualify as a handicap. Walk a few steps more, it will do you good. I know your knees hurt, but it comes with being over the age of 60. The sticker tells the world: I'm lazy and I don't care if some really handicapped person has to park two blocks away. You're better than that.

2. You troll the parking lot for the spot nearest the store. All over America, millions of gallons of petrol are being wasted as seniors circle the lots, like a plane over La Gaurdia waiting for the runway to clear. Park in the first empty spot you see and stretch those veiny legs. You might live longer and save money on refueling that clunker you're driving.

3. Every conversation begins with a description of your latest ache or pain. No one cares, so get over it. You think young people wake up every day feeling just peachy? OK, they do, but that's still no excuse! Face the facts. Other people have no sympathy for you. They've got their own pains and you are one of them.

4. You dress like your father. Nothing tells someone how old you think you are like the way you dress. Go ahead, wear your Madras shorts with knee-high black socks, but don't expect to have to show an ID this century. Instead you'll get looks that say, "Wow, that person is really old."

5. The number and quantity of your bowel movements are more important than your golf score. Believe it or not, your spouse isn't interested in the size or amount. So stop with the comments already! And don't call your doctor when you skip a day without one. You'll live, despite the discomfort.

6. You want things to stay as they were in your youth. America has changed and it isn't going back to the good old days. Stop carping about it. It turns off everyone except the hard of hearing. We know you walked in the snow to school and never drove over the speed limit. Rent the movie "Back To The Future" if you want to relieve your childhood.

7. Eating dinner before dark appeals to you. Some seniors might find this a bit of shocking news, but restaurants do not close at 6 p.m. So what's the rush to eat at 5 p.m. or earlier? If you insist, you will find yourself dining with a bunch of blue hairs who are dawdling over their prunes. Live life large: eat dinner after the sun goes down.

8. You ask your spouse or friend to repeat every line at the movies. We get it that you are hard of hearing. It was all that loud music your parents warned you about. But don't make it so obvious that you need a hearing aid. Just nod in the theatre and laugh whenever everyone else does. When you get home, you can ask your spouse to repeat the entire movie verbatim.

9. You think audibly passing gas is a right of passage into the golden years. As we age, we can't control some things, like the weather, the computer mouse and our sphincter muscle. But lifting your leg and yelling, "here comes one," is considered impolite in most company. Besides, the grand kids will tell on you or worse, they will begin emulating you.

10. You have a death grip on the steering wheel and drive really, really slow. Nothing gives away your age like your driving. Turn your signal blinker off after turning. Use the brake only for stopping at red lights and stop signs. Try to keep your car out of the median. Have your eyes checked at least once every couple of decades.

Score yourself: If you said "yes that sounds like me" then:

Two or less times: You're not creeping up on old age, you're accelerating to seniordom.
Four or less times: Throw away your AARP card, you're too old to qualify.
Six or less times: You have gray hair in places that no one wants to know about.
Eight or less times: Check your pulse because we think you've already passed on.
Nine or more times: Really? And no one has bodily assaulted you yet?

My advice is simple: Act the age you want to be. Not too many people I know want to be old.