Letters From O.H. Bama

Dear Speaker John Boehner:

In your new job as corral boss of those gun toting, bible thumping, tea-bagging Republicans, I have noticed a tone in your rhetoric that suggests you are not on board with my plea for harmony, peace and jasmine-scented discourse.

Every time I read my trusted source for balanced news, The New York Times, I notice comments from you and your foul-mouthed GOP cohorts about the economy, calling the current recovery "rotten", "bogus", "nonexistent" and "a figment of the president's imagination."

Those are hate-filled words my friend. When you criticize the economy, you are chastising those swooning Americans who elected me. You are poking a stick in the eyes of every man, woman, underage child and corpse who has ever voted Democratic. Let me just be clear about this. I want you to stop all use of negative adjectives when referring to me, the economy, Obama Care or any other issue. Remember, if you even waffle a little on this, the media that worships me will fry you on the altar of journalistic partisanship.

This could be our shining moment, Mr. Speaker. We could join hands and praise the economic recovery that donkey-brained Joe Biden loves to tout. To steer you toward more congenial speech, here are some potential areas of economic agreement between us that would demonstrate our man-love and bipartisanship:

1. We both want more jobs that pay good money. We should support jury duty as a way for Americans to have a high-paying job while performing a civic duty. Jury pools could be filled by all those out of work mid-level managers.

2. We could agree that cutting government travel expenses is necessary. For example, when Secretary of State Hillary Clinton goes abroad she could actually share a room with her husband, Bill. This has the added advantage of supporting non-traditional marriages.

3. We could ask the advertising industry to begin a public service campaign in Africa to sponsor an American child. This idea comes straight from that Hollywood icon, Angelina Jolie, who recently adopted two Californians. It's time we took better care of our American children.

4. We could reach out to polygamists and encourage them to reduce their number of wives from an average of five to four. This would engage ordinary Americans in reducing their tax deductions so they could pay more money to Washington to fund my agenda. It would also address the over population problem.

5. We could advertise the job explosion in Mexico, particularly in the employment of gang members. Given our leaky border, we would just let our home-grown gang members sneak their tattooed bodies into Mexico under the cover of darkness, thus reducing future prison expenses in the U.S.

6. We could ask Google to lay off one-half of their work force, thus trimming the number of my administration's staff in Washington. Not only would this save taxpayer dollars, but it could allow Google to spend more time looking into the private information of Americans.

Listen, John, we both have a stake in this country. Mine is just bigger than yours. And I'm not bragging here.

After reading my letter, you may want to reach for that box of tissue. There's a lot of weeping going around in Washington these days, especially among out of work Democrats. I know Nancy Pelosi was moved to tears when you snatched that speaker's gavel out of her wrinkled, liver-spotted hand.

If we tone down the rhetoric and work together, the country will be more united. Americans will feel better about Washington. Heck, some may even want to voluntarily give back their Bush-era tax cuts.

Please think about what I've said, John. After all, words matter, except when they escape from my mouth.

Tulips, tranquility and teleprompters,

O.H. Bama