Letters from O.H. Bama

Dear Secretary of Defense Gates:

As your commander-in-cheese, it is my duty to spell out the specific mission in Libya for our brave young men and women that have been sent in harm's way. Therefore, let me be absolutely crystal clear about the outcome. I call this the O.H. Bama Doctrine.

Colonel Gadhafi, a dictator with a bad case of acne and a funny hat, must go. That is Job One. However, if he decides to stay, then our duty is to prevent the murder of civilians. But we should only drop bombs to stop the slaughter of innocents. No ground troops. If that doesn't work, we should dither and procastenate. And remember, this is not a war. Killing dictators and their armed forces is a civil way to register our displeasure with Gadhafi. As a reminder, this mission is subject to change, depending on polling data and news coverage.

Excuse me for being so direct with my expectations. It is necessary because Gadhafi refuses to be swayed by my soaring rhetoric urging him to get out of Dodge or wherever he resides. Speaking of nut jobs, please disregard anything Secretary of State Hilliary Clinton utters on this subject. Obviously, all those years explaining Bill's womanizing has left a serious disconnect between her tongue and the truth.

I know you recommended that I get approval from Congress before launching this action. But that suggestion is soooooo George Bush. I am way too busy to trot over to Capitol Hill to explain what Americans are doing in Libya. I have Final Four brackets to manage, golf courses to test and other pressing issues, like visiting Brazil.

Speaker of the House John Boehner will have to haul the French or the Germans or whomever is in charge of this non-war to Congress to explain our involvement. This is their little conflict. I am just going along to show the Muslin world that America is a kinder, gentler nation with me in charge. Think of those bombs as a friendly reminder that America is tolerant of all religions.

Now, I know some folks are insisting that I return that Nobel Peace Prize because of this misunderstanding with Gadhafi. How tacky! You can love peace and still bomb the hell out of a small, insignificant country. There is nothing hypocritical about that.

By the way, next time you see our beloved Vice President "Plugs" Biden could you please explain what a no-fly zone is? After he heard about the Libyan campaign, he rushed into the Oval Office, flapping his arms and clicking his heels. "You have my full support on this decision," he schmoozed. He then dropped his pants and pointed to his underwear. "See, no fly!" he exclaimed.

I know its scary thinking Old Plugs is next in line for the presidency, but be patient with him. He personally saved 3 million jobs, you know.

Your favorite Sorta War Time President,

O.H. Bama