New Rules For Air Traffic Controllers

TO: ALL AIR TRAFFIC CONTROLLERS
FROM: Transportation Secretary Ray N.D. Hood

It has come to my attention that some of you are snoozing on the job, endangering lives of the flying public. In an effort to safeguard the nation's skies, I have instituted the following rules, effective immediately:

1. Controllers will no longer be allowed to direct air traffic from their Sleep Number beds.

2. Instead of sheep, try counting the hair plugs on the top of Joe Biden's head, which are fewer in number.

3. Hang signs around the necks of sleeping air traffic controllers so we can tell them from the ones who are comatose.

4. Do not listen to country music, especially the group "Asleep at the Wheel."

5. If you must sleep, snoring is encouraged because it could wake up a fellow air controller and advert a mid-air collision.

6. Do not read any of Senator Harry Reid's speeches aloud because it may cause severe drowsiness and impair your vision.

7. Candy in the break room will be replaced with Viagra tablets to keep workers stimulated. However, if you are awake for more than four hours, please report it immediately to your doctor.

8. If you find yourself dozing off, rouse your supervisor from his deep sleep and ask to borrow his pillow so you can be more comfortable.

9. Snooze buttons located on the underside of each controller's work station should be removed and replaced with cattle prods.

10. Your government health care will no longer pay for medication to treat insomnia; however, anyone with the disease is now eligible for immediate promotion.