What If Santa Was A Democrat?

Underneath Santa's bulky red suit beats the heart of a Republican.  He owns a small business employing hundreds.  His North Pole firm is non-union.  His business accepts no government aid.  He believes in charity, giving away billions worth of toys every year.  He even has a traditional marriage.

Christmas would be a lot different if Mr. Claus was a Democrat and the federal government was in charge of overseeing the holiday.   

No children could perch on Santa's ample lap.  The Occupational Safety and Health Administration (OSHA) would deem it too hazardous for kids.

Santa would deliver no gifts to children in households earning $250,000 and above.  These children would be assessed taxes on their allowances to pay for toys for middle class kids.

Children who requested Ken and Barbie dolls would be surprised Christmas morning to discover Ken and Bruce under their tree. The dolls come with a California marriage certificate.

Santa's workforce would not pass muster with the feds.  Too many elves.  Quotas would be established to insure the North Pole business employed more hobbits, jihadists and transvestites.  

Every girl and boy would receive the same exact gift to make Christmas more fair.  Santa may be pro-choice,  but that doesn't apply to toys.

Santa would trade in his sleigh and eight tiny reindeer for a Chevy Volt and eight tiny Prius.  However, the jolly man would only be able to visit four homes between each charge.

After squeezing down the chimney, Santa would confiscate all guns in the house.  He would turn over the weapons to the feds, who would peddle them to Mexican gangs.

Santa would leave voter registration cards and cell phones in the stockings of households receiving federal handouts.  

Children of Hollywood couples would put out large piles of cash for Santa's Political Action Committee. In return, Santa would overlook their naughtiness.

Each boy and girl would get a contraceptive and a video on safe sex. Santa would also leave behind his unlisted North Pole cell phone number and a topless photo of himself.

Santa would rip all religious symbols from the walls and holiday trees in homes.  Exceptions would be made for Muslin households.

Homes in states that have approved marijuana use would be visited several times on Christmas eve.  Even Santa needs to boost to make it through the holidays.

Instead of cookies, Democrat households would leave an apple and a stalk of celery for the overweight St. Nick to comply with First Lady Michelle Obama's healthy eating guidelines.

Federal anti-discrimination guidelines would prevent Santa from yelling, "Ho-Ho-Ho."  The government insists the traditional greeting is insensitive to ladies of the night.

Santa would no longer refer to the holiday as Christmas.  It would be renamed Entitlement Day to reflect how children of Democrats view their right to toys.

As you can tell, Christmas would be pretty dreary if Santa was a Democrat.

Let's keep Christmas Republican and free of government intrusion.