Dear Santa Claus:
With Christmas days away, I wanted to lodge a protest on behalf of the other reindeer about your shabby treatment. Your sleigh keeps getting bigger and heavier, just like your belly, yet our wages and benefits have not kept up with North Pole inflation.
Therefore, we formally demand that you call a vote for union representation. Leaders of the NRA, that's the National Reindeer Association, will be contacting you soon. You may have been able to tamp down last year's elf unionization efforts, but your reindeer won't be as easily intimidated.
I still recall that snowy night when you came to me, practically on your knees, begging me to lead your reindeer team. But I saw right through your plea. You only needed me because of my shinny red rose. Before that evening, you had let the other reindeer bully me unmercifully on Twitter.
The final straw came last week when you gave into the cultural diversity crowd and changed Dancer's name to Muhammad to give Muslin kids a reindeer they could relate to. Now he spends all day reading the Koran and posting hate messages on Facebook. He refuses to work anymore and never bathes.
Pulling your sleigh has never been the glamorous job portrayed in Christmas fairy tales. I have to don earmuffs to drown out your shrill shouts, urging us to go faster and faster. I'd like to see you get your big old fat duff out of the driver's seat and try to tug that sleigh around the globe.
As the world's population has grown, so have the demands for toys. Last year was awful because you decided to outsource toy production. We must have made seven trips to China to pick up toys for American kids. No wonder the elves tried to form a union.
As you know, last year we lost our Claus Health Benefits and were forced to sign up for Obamacare. Donner can no longer see his regular doctor, who was the only reindeer specialist for miles and miles. You promised Donner could keep his doctor. Your name belongs on the Naughty List.
Reindeer still receive the minimum wage and no overtime. Most of us have been in our positions for more than 70 years with no raise. You and Mrs. Claus are in the One Percent Club, while we struggle to get by on wages fit for an animal. Yeah, I know, a reindeer is technically an animal, but fair is fair.
There was an open revolt yesterday when you announced amnesty for the two reindeer that had slipped across the border to get jobs on the sleigh team. Neither reindeer could speak English and they wanted free Obama cell phones before they agreed to do any work. Bad Santa.
Prancer reminded me to bring up your anti-gay slurs last Christmas. None of us will forget the moment you yelled in exasperation at Prancer, "You look a little light on the hoof!" After months of counseling, Prancer has finally been able to join the other reindeer in stud poker games.
On the other hand, Vixen remains traumatized from last year's journey. When she failed to pick up the pace on Christmas, you yelled at her and called her a skank. In the aftermath, she lost so much weight that Sony Pictures cancelled her contract. I hear the movie folks blamed her firing on North Korea.
I know you said it was just a coincidence, but the reindeer took notice when Mrs. Claus served venison for Thanksgiving. Our nerves have been on edge ever since. We might have overlooked the incident if little Nicky Claus hadn't erected a deer blind right next to the reindeer fraternal lodge.
Once upon a time Santa, you respected the rights of reindeer. But lately you have taken to issuing executive orders without consulting the head reindeer. That would be me. You, Mr. Claus, are ignoring the clause in our North Pole Constitution that guarantees we reindeer make the laws.
This Christmas we need to hear more than just "Ho, Ho, Ho" from you. Reindeer lives matter. We expect higher wages, improved benefits and a lighter workload. If you can't deliver, then we won't either. You will be stuck with using the Post Office to deliver presents just in time for Easter.
Not my fault, Santa. I'm a victim. Pardon me, but my box of Cuban cigars just arrived. I am thinking of having a single malt Scotch and a smoke on Christmas eve. Enjoy your sleigh ride without me.
This Buck Stops Here,
Rudolph The Red-Nosed Reindeer
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