Santa Claus, surrounded by nine reindeer, announced today that he was declaring his candidacy for the president of the United States. Decked out in his traditional red Christmas costume, the white-bearded political novice promised to visit every person in the country at least once a year.
With Mrs. Claus dutifully at his side, the jocular Christmas icon made his announcement at a packed news conference at the North Pole. His surprise revelation promised to shake up the presidential race, trumping the celebrity candidacy of at least one contender for the White House.
Mr. Claus read his statement from a list that appeared to have children's names written in the margins. Once he finished, he opened the floor to media questions. Here is a partial transcript from the media briefing attended by journalists and a diminutive contingent of red-and-green dressed elves.
Q: Mr. Claus, what party primary will you enter?
A: I thought about running as a Democrat, since I have been giving away free stuff for centuries. It seemed like a good fit. But my surname isn't Clinton, so I'm pretty sure I'm prohibited from running.
Q: So, you'll campaign as a Republican?
Are you kidding me? That party has like 200 candidates. They don't need another outsider without political experience.
Q: You're saying you'll run as an independent?
There you go putting words in my mouth. I prefer to think of my candidacy as a way for people to express their gratitude for the millions of gifts I have showered on them through the years.
Q. What about your age? There are references to Santa Claus in 1773 in a New York newspaper. That would make you 242 years old. Isn't that too old to be president?
A. Even at 242, that makes me two years younger than Bernie Sanders. No one talks about his age.
Q. Are you aware that the last major party candidate to wear a beard was Republican Charles Evan Hughes, who was defeated in 1916?
A. Have you seen that awful comb-over on Donald Trump? The man would look better with a beard. Besides, I think voters are looking for a fatherly figure in the White House after eight years of a man-child in the Oval Office.
Q: Will you campaign in your Christmas garb? Isn't it a little old fashioned?
A. Check out those baggy pantsuits Hillary is wearing. Talk about dowdy. Red is so chic by comparison. Besides the coat hides my ample belly. It works for Hillary, it should work for me.
Q: What will be the focus of your campaign?
A. The theme will be lowering the voting age. I think it is time we gave two year olds and older the right to cast a ballot. Heck, we let illegal immigrants vote, so why not children?
Q: Your opponents may argue you just want kids to vote because it would be to your political advantage?
A. Listen that is nothing but political claptrap. Children's futures are at stake in this election. They should have a voice in the country's direction. No one complains about dead people voting Democrat in Chicago. Why would anyone object to a sweet innocent child showing up at the polls?
Q: Where do you stand on climate change?
A. You obviously haven't spent much time at the North Pole. We have miserable freezing temperatures every day. Mrs. Claus hates the cold. We are both praying for global warming.
Q: You have no experience in foreign policy. How will you overcome that disadvantage?
A. Look I have spent years circling the globe. I know every village, town and city in every country in the world. Well, except for those Middle Eastern countries. I am known there as The Infidel Who Shimmies Down The Filthy Chimney.
Q: Do you have a campaign slogan?
A. I kinda like, "Put a little Ho-Ho-Ho in the White House." But Mrs. Claus didn't want to be known as the wife of a "ho." So, we have changed it to, "Santa Will Make America Merry Again."
Q. What about a running mate? Have you thought about a vice presidential choice?
A. I have already asked Rudolph to run as the first reindeer vice president. I know it may raise a few eyebrows, but honestly, he can't be any worse than Joe Biden. Like Biden, Rudolph will only be allowed to appear in public once a year.
Q: If you're elected, will you continue to deliver toys to children every Christmas?
A. Of course! Especially once we have lowered the voting age. It will make a second term a cinch.
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