The Golden Years Are Mostly Brown

When I was in my 40's, I first remember tales of the Golden Years. Everyone yakked about the decades turning golden once you retired from active work.  It would usher in an era of lazy days, relaxation and self-indulgence.  Now that I have reached that stage, the years seem brownish.

Everything I heard about the Golden Years has turned out to be wrong.  Those retirement commercials on television painted such an idyllic picture.  I suspect that gray-haired financial planners knew the truth, but didn't want to scare Baby Boomers into early deaths.

I pledge not to perpetuate the myth.  When I hear the words "Golden Years," I unleash a stream of expletives to unsuspecting strangers. "There is nothing Golden about growing old," I bellow for all to hear. "Unless you think eating a can of prunes every day is one of life's joys."

In an effort to offer an honest appraisal of the Golden Years,  I have compiled a list of myths passed down from generation to generation.  If you're in your 40's, there is no better time than the present to learn the facts about aging.  At least you will be prepared for the onset of wrinkles, flatulence and cranky knees.

Old People Get To Sleep Until Noon   

I recall an airplane ride 30 years ago when as soon as the wheels lifted off the runway every person over the age of 60 was fast asleep.  I imagined that is what the Golden Years would be like. Turns out as we age, studies show we sleep less not more.  The Golden Years keep us awake at night. We toss, turn, snore and grunt.  Our body temperature fluctuates between sizzling hot and icy cold. And don't even get me started about how many trips to the bathroom we make every night. Let's just say it's impossible to sleep standing upright.

Eat Whatever You Want

After my Dad retired, he decided his diet required more sugar.  He polished off a Moon Pie with lunch, a piece of cake with dinner and capped the evening with a heaping bowl of ice cream.  I couldn't wait to indulge my sweet teeth (Yes, plural!).  But unlike my Dad and his generation, Baby Boomers are saddled with a gene that makes us fat if we even watch a TV food commercial.  Most of us exercise now more than we did in our 30's, yet our pants are shrinking and we change belts more often than our underwear.  No way can you eat whatever you want in those Golden Years. Medicare doesn't cover tummy tucks.

Lounge On the Couch All Day

As I approached retirement, well-meaning people would badger me about what I planned to do once I no longer worked.  The inference was I could never fill up all my free time.  Now I know boredom isn't the problem because your spouse has lots of ideas about how you will spend your newfound freedom. You are no longer in charge of your schedule.  Your spouse is.  No job also means you have lots of time to do all the things you once delegated to your spouse. Good luck with that nap on the couch. You will be fortunate if your spouse doesn't sell the couch and install a workbench in the living room.

Play Golf Every Day  

During my career, I daydreamed of one day playing golf every waking moment after I retired. I would race through a three-hour round of golf, eat lunch at the golf course and hit practice balls until my hands bled. But the reality is your body wears out before your golf clubs do. Knees, shoulders, elbows and backs were never designed for golf. Every Baby Boomer I know has either quit golf or is threatening to give up the game. We once fancied shooting our age.  Now we just hope that our PSA score is lower than our handicap.

Spend Money Like There's No Tomorrow

You have worked practically your whole life, now it's time to enjoy your retirement nest egg. Problem is the competition for your meager savings can be fierce.  The grand kids need to be spoiled with gifts. There are expensive vacations you promised your spouse while you were working. There are cool convertible cars you lusted after in high school that now seem irresistible. Pretty soon you are standing in line at Costco on a Sunday, gobbling the free food samples. You tell friends you are out for brunch.  They don't chuckle at your lie because they are in line behind you.

Don't let your children and grandchildren learn the hard way about the Golden Years.  Tell them the truth so they can prepare for what's looming on the horizon.  In fact, save yourself some time and just email them this column.  Don't be shocked if they never talk to you again.