Unknown Announces Candidacy for President

Official Statement Issued June 25, 2019
By Drew A. Roy

Today I am announcing my candidacy for President. Notice I didn't use the bromide about "running" for the highest office.  At my age, I hope to be able to shuffle to the Oval Office.  If my hip doesn't improve, I may arrive on a motorized scooter.  People "running" for office are too vain to be elected.

I acknowledge there are already more candidates for the office of president than can be shoehorned into the Grand Canyon.  Do we really need another aspirant?  My answer is an unequivocal"maybe." Frankly, being addressed as "Mr. President" instead of "Hey, baldy" has so much personal appeal.

While that is the chief impetus behind my campaign, it is not the lone reason for my search for greatness.  I want to be rich.  Have you noticed that presidential candidates, even failed ones, collect millions writing books, making speeches and hawking their foundations?  I can't resist the money.

I admit not being thrilled at the prospect of living in Washington, D.C.  The nation's capitol has one of the highest crime rates in America compared to cities its size.  As friends know, I have a penchant for losing my wallet.  I don't need some thief adding to my misery by stealing a replacement.

Some members of the esteemed press may be wondering about my political affiliation.  I have none.  Party labels seem so old fashioned.  As a retired person, I have decided to start my own political group called the Prune People's Movement.  The moniker just oozes intellectual elitism.

Don't even waste time inquiring about my stance on the issues.  I am a former journalist who has heard a thousand ways to dodge media questions from politicians.  My stance on  illegal immigration?  "I want everyone to be happy."  See how easy it is?  I am the master of obfuscation.

Here's my campaign slogan: "There should be a chicken in every pot and a car in every garage."  (I admit I plagiarized that from a circular published by the GOP in 1928 to mock Herbert Hoover's campaign promises.) However, if you think about, it is the perfect platform for America's future.

Obesity is killing too many Americans and hiking health care costs.  Common sense dictates that voters need to eat more chicken instead of too much beef.  If I am elected, I will allow every American, even the six thin ones, to trade in their prime beef for a government rooster. 

And who couldn't use another automobile? I will use my pen to order Elon Musk to dispatch a new Tesla to every American.  Since the electric cars run on batteries, it will save the environment so I can scratch that issue off my worry list.  Two birds with one stone, we politicians call that.

Before a nosy television reporter asks, I am not going to sign some silly pledge promising not to tap lobbyists, corporations and foreign individuals for campaign funds.  A bunch of $5 checks from average Joe's are a waste and most will bounce anyway.  I need oodles of cash stuffed in duffel bags.

I don't want to end up with a bunch of campaign debt so I will not spend a dime on advertising, rallies or social media.  My message will strictly fly under the radar.  Drop by my house and I will give you an index card chocked full of bon mots of wisdom culled from self-help books I have digested.

Every candidate fears an opponent will dig up some dirt to sabotage their election chances.  So here are a few confessions: I ripped the tag off a few mattresses.  I once stole a fluffy robe from a ritzy hotel. I admit I once had an impure fantasy about Justice Ginsberg.  There.  It's all in the open.

To my opponents, let me make it clear I will run a smear-free campaign.  No outing of pictures in your yearbook.  No tweets about your spouse's ugly outfits.  No ads claiming you are killer or a Jets fan.  But woe to those who attack me or my family.  I will unleash the hounds of hell.

I count among my friends a former Army Ranger, who happens to be my brother in law.  He will parachute into your gated community, evade your armed security, scale the fence surrounding your mansion and lay waste to your immaculately manicured yard.  You have now been officially warned.

In addition to my talent for avoiding jail time,  I had a gift for selecting an incredible woman to be the First Lady.  Dianna is the perfect choice.  She is a decorating maven.  Already, she has plans to have the White House exterior painted the color of French champagne.  White is so boring. 

Since we both enjoy travel, as president I will reach out to other countries, especially those with exquisite cuisine.  Air Force One will be jetting us to France and Italy on our initial foreign policy foray.  I don't plan to visit many Asian countries, since I gag on fishy aquatic animals.

Finally, I want Americans who enter the voting booth in 2020, to pose this one question: "Do I prefer an honest unknown or some career politician who makes grand promises of free stuff?"  If people do that, I am certain that I will end up losing the election by something like 133 million votes.