Americans are in for a shock. When the pandemic mask mandates are abolished, some of us might shriek in astonishment. We will be seeing folks entire faces for the first time in months. Family, neighbors, doctors, grocery clerks will look...well, different. Will we like what an unmasked population looks like?
The question demands serious commentary. The Great Masking of Americans commenced about July 3, 2020 BC. Before Corona. Since then, the populace has hidden behind face coverings of all sizes, shapes and colors. Not even virus guru Dr. Fauci knows what to expect when our disguises are removed.
Imagine your consternation when you realize you must start brushing your teeth regularly. With that mask cloaking your mouth, no one could smell your stinky breath. You could eat garlic three meals a day and no one would notice. When you drop the mask, you will have to relearn to brush and gargle mouthwash.
No longer will you be able to mask that pimple the size of a Texas anthill on your chin. Uncovered, male grooming will be in vogue again. Gone will be that goatee you thought was manly. Checking your self image in a mirror can no longer be avoided, even if you have Quarantine 15 (as in pounds gained.)
Women who have been wearing makeup but no lipstick behind the mask are going to be forced to add extra time to prepare to go outside their homes. Some stores are gearing for the inevitable rush by stocking dozens of shades of lipstick. Lord knows we have enough toilet paper to last a lifetime.
Without masks, Americans' voices will sound normal again. Those face coverings muffle our speech, forcing us to practically yell at friends or Starbucks baristas. Most of the time we nod although we don't understand a single word, even with hearing aids. Seniors will have to relearn to lip read.
Another dilemma in Unmasked America with be what to hang on the review mirror in your car. For months your mask has hung like a badge of virtuous honor from the mirror. Now it sits empty. Looping a pair of your underwear on the mirror seems creepy, but hey, it is a new era in America.
That reminds me: What are we going to do with all those masks once decrees come tumbling down like the Berlin Wall? Some folks have one to match every outfit, like Nancy Pelosi. Can't just toss them away. Perhaps, guys could convert their face coverings into a Speedo-like swim suit. Awful image, right?
On the subject of mask etiquette (notice the smooth transition), can we just agree in future pandemics it is uncool to wear your face covering while riding alone in your car? You've seen those goofballs. Are they trying to protect their car from COVID? I can understand if you drive a Bentley. But a Honda?
New decorum rules should be established for Zoom meetings. No one needs to wear a mask for a virtual meeting. It violates scientific propriety and makes you appear goofy. Alert: the virus does not spread through the ethernet. The good news is you don't have to wear pants on these video conferences.
And while we are on the subject of protection, a bandana is not a mask. It is bad manners to wear one, particularly in a bank. You resemble a member of the Butch Cassidy gang. Emily Post would never approve of an accessory more at home in a rodeo or at a cattle ranch to be worn at your favorite bistro.
Mask shaming should be outlawed too. Nothing worse than when you absentmindedly stroll toward a grocery store and someone confronts you in the parking lot. "Why aren't you wearing a mask?" the stranger demands. Uh...I have it in my pocket and I will don my face covering once I enter the store.
The stranger, likely a Democrat, huffs. "You can catch the virus even in a parking lot!" Obviously, he has been watching too much CNN. There is no scientific research on spreading COVID in parking lots. But likely a scary study will surface soon claiming parking lots are a petri dish for the virus.
This shaming has gotten so out of hand in places like California that a Golden State online newsletter felt compelled to consult a former FBI hostage negotiator on how to approach people about wearing masks. You can't make up this stuff folks. He advised using soothing, non-threatening language. Oh, goodie!
Apparently, a couple in Manhattan Beach, California, did not read the newsletter. They accosted two unmasked men in a cafe. Under California guidelines, diners could remove their masks once their food arrived. The woman angrily doused one of the men with coffee. The police were summoned.
In Park City, Utah, a woman sauntered into a Walmart without a face covering. She had been exempted by public health authorities because of a medical condition. That didn't stop a masked shopper from ramming his cart into the woman. Charges were filed against the male assailant.
Self-righteous vigilantes are patrolling neighborhoods too. During Corona, a cadre of snitchers are reporting unmasked violators to the Neighborhood Mask Watch Patrol. Who knew you were living next door to a stoolie? Even Never Maskers are bowing to the pressure.
A Pew Research study in June found that 65% of adults said they wore a mask regularly in stores or other businesses. A followup survey in August, shows the mask wearers are now 85% of the adult population. Mask wearing has now become a normal part of our fashion statement.
At this juncture, you are probably wondering when the mask orders will be rescinded. No one really knows except the Dear Leaders In Our Benevolent Government. But I had a premonition. I dreamed it would be during the third term of President Joe Biden. Surely, by then we can Unmask America.
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