Being snubbed once is humiliating. But twice? Utter indignation. The Billionaire Bees, Richard Branson and Jeff Bezos, recently rocketed into space and left me behind. They likely checked my puny stock portfolio and giggled. I don't fit the space traveler profile: rich, filthy rich or Warren Buffet rich.
Branson--Sir Richard, if you please--became the first billionaire to soar into space aboard his Virgin Galactic rocket-whatever. The voyage lasted a measly five minutes, hardly time for a Whopper and a chocolate shake. Galactic jetted 53 miles into the atmosphere before landing in New Mexico.
Not to be outdone, the second billionaire in space Jeff Bezos blasted skyward on a ten-minute flight that peaked at 66 miles, 10 miles higher than the first-in-space knighted mogul. This kind of one-upmanship allowed the colonies to break free from the yoke of those snooty English lords centuries ago.
Every the gentlemen, Branson invited two pilots and three Galactic employees on his flight. Amazon founder Bezos hand-picked his entourage: his brother (nepotism), an 18-year old from the Netherlands and an 82-year old Texan, who was one of 13 females originally chosen for astronaut training in the 1960's.
Bezos' slight is particularly irksome. I am an Amazon Prime member for goodness sake. Surely Jeff at least recognizes my credit card number. Instead he picked an 18-year from a nondescript country, who likely has never ordered gifts for his grandkids on Amazon. Jeff obviously isn't loyal. Just ask his ex-wife.
If I am fuming, Elon Musk must be gnawing an electric battery in a fit of rage. His peers, two billionaire company founders, beat him into space. Humbling for a guy whose firm SpaceX pioneered private sector rocket launches. Why is Musk dawdling, you ask? You won't believe the answer.
Musk plunked down $200,000 for a ride on Branson's Virgin Galactic space vehicle. He will join other tourists on a space junket chartered by Branson's company. Say it ain't so Elon! Don't bow to a Brit. Where's your pride? Soon that tricky Sir Richard will be manufacturing competing electric cars.
For that matter, why the heck hasn't Warren Buffet stepped into the space race? Perhaps the 90-year-old figures he's too feeble for rigorous space travel. But Buffet has more cash than the Federal Government, He could buy NASA and hire a doctor and a caretaker to accompany him on his journey. Come on, Man!
Do it for your country Warren. NASA will allow you to bring a case of Coke and one of your Burlington Northern rail cars in the cargo hull. Besides Warren, you may be my last chance for a ride in space. I hear you have an affinity for investors. I am one. A lousy one. But that shouldn't matter.
Honestly, your ego needs a boost, Warren. Once you held the title of the world's richest man. Now you are mired in ninth place with an estimated wealth of $101 billion. Bezos is twice as rich as you. The online peddler is worth a reported $206 billion. Ouch! Warren, I feel your economic pain. Oh, I wish.
Bill Gates and Mark Zuckerberg are uber-rich but have no interest in space. Gates is busy dictating health mandates across the globe, shoveling billions into everything from vaccines to population control. Zuckerberg might be up for space, but he would need a gaggle of censors with him. Not happening.
My brother-in-law Cliff Mylett suggested an alternative. He theorizes all those Unidentified Flying Objects (UFO) are actually billionaires from another universe zooming over Earth as part of interplanetary space tourism. Sounds plausible. Those planets must have more billionaires than Earth.
The National UFO Reporting Center announced there were 5,971 sightings in 2019, a giant leap from the 3,395 in the previous year. California led all states in sightings. Makes sense. Every alien billionaire is hoping for a sighting of a Hollywood star. If you're reading this Warren, bet you're green with envy.
Memo to Little Green Billionaires: I am definitely interested in zipping around space in your UFO's. With your superior intellect, you already know my medical details and have stolen my internet identity. Contact me. I may not speak your language, but I own cryptocurrency. Surely, you know about crypto.
I have one dietary requirement (nothing fishy) and of course there must be a honking 85-inch flat screen television on board with 12 streaming services. But I require little else in the way of comforts. Oh, and my own bathroom. I'm not sharing one of those nozzles on my spacesuit with a green alien.
I await your signal, Little Green Billionaire. I'll be patient. But I am 75, so don't dawdle like Elon.
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