Dear Editor:
I am eight years old. Some of my little friends say there is no Santa Claus. Papa, says, "If you see it in The New York Times, it's so. Please tell the truth, is there a Santa Claus?
Virginia O'Hanlon
115 West 95th Street
Virginia, you did not include your gender or personal pronouns, so we at the prestigious and pompous The New York Times are in a quandary. How do we address you? Also, you may be eight but do you identify as a 10-year old? You see the conundrum you have created with your brief letter.
Let me first say, I am surprised someone eight even has to ask the Santa Claus question. Are you being home schooled? Every third grader knows Santa Claus is just a ruse to allow greedy corporate titans to sell toys to overindulgent parents. Public schools teach the truth about the Santa myth.
George Soros funded fact-checkers at The Washington Post gave five Pinocchios to your parents' claim about Santa Claus. Supposedly, Santa Claus has been around for like a thousand years. Really, Virginia, you would have to be as gullible as an FTX Exchange investor to believe that fairy tale.
So, no, Santa Claus does not exist. Tell your parents they are enemies of the government for spreading misinformation. I suggest you turn them into the new Disinformation Governance Board created by our Dear Leader Joe Biden. It's not snitching if your loving, caring parents spread lies.
Judging from your naiveté, I should warn you that crime in your New York neighborhood is not rising, no matter what your Dad says. We have a saying around The New York Times, "Don't believe the official crime reports from NY Police. Police are racists and Ultra Mega white supremacists."
Obviously you lead a sheltered life, so I suggest you question your gender identity. Perhaps, you believe you are a girl, but you may actually be a boy trapped in a female body. Or you could be non-binary. In that case, you may get a government job in the administration of Our Dear Leader.
There are surgeries available to address gender fluidity. Don't tell Mommy or Daddy but you can get counseling at your local public school. Teachers will help you explore options for gender mutilation. You can go from Virginia to Vincenzo in one afternoon. Exciting stuff, huh?
Question everything your parents tell you. They may not have you best interests at heart. I mean they have already lied about Santa Claus. What other untruths have they told? Surely, they didn't tell you there is a God? Rely on the federal government and the FBI for honest, truthful information.
Above all, don't listen to your friends, especially those whose parents drive gasoline cars. They are squeezing the life out of our planet. Your home will be destroyed by rising seas. The polar bears in the New York Zoo will all die. You will have to relocate to Mars. You don't want that, right?
To save the planet we all must sacrifice, Virginia. Here are some things you can do. Use only one sheet of toilet paper in the bathroom. Don't eat beef because cows produce methane gas. Eat plant-based steaks instead. Throw red paint on artworks at the Metropolitan Museum of Art.
You didn't mention your parents' race, Virginia. But I assume by your name they are lily-white. No parent of color would burden their child with an alabaster name. Your parents family probably owned slaves. That means you are racist and should shame your parents into paying reparations.
In closing, I want to invite you to a holiday Drag Queen Show just for youngsters hosted by The New York Times. This will open your mind to the wonderful world you live in. Who knows, you have grow up to be a queen one day! The possibilities for someone your age are limited only by the government.
Editor-in-chief
Author Saltburger Jr.
P.S. I don't recommend a career in journalism, Virginia. Slave laborers make more money than a Times reporter. I should know, I set the pay scales around here.
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