Letters From O.H. Bama

Dear Mr. B. Petroleum:

As oil continues to gush from your company's well in the Gulf of Mexico, I must protest British Petroleum's handling of this crisis. Your firm dawdled and dilly dallied while the ocean turned chocolate. While you fretted about what to do, I was "monitoring" the situation on CNN. While channel-surfing, I was able to catch the last few innings of a White Sox game. As you can tell, I was right on top of the crisis.

But what really gets me steamed is that BP continues to rake in millions of dollars in evil profits during the crisis. Now is not the time for making money. In fact, I consider it my civic duty to assist BP in going broke. Its the least I can do for a company that is obviously too big to ever fail without my assistance.

Remember, I don't like anything big. Big executive pay. Hate it. Big profits. Yuck! Big successful firms. Can't stand them. Big oil. Double detest. And most of all, I cringe every time I see the First Lady's big rear end. You'd think Jenny Craig would deliver meals to the White House, of all places.

I think what we have here is a teachable moment. When something goes boom in the middle of the ocean, you need to pay attention. Duh! Unless of course, that sound is just one of those noisy Tea Bagger..I mean Tea Party..rallies filled with hateful speech. (In that case, I'd say let them drown in their own oily rhetoric.)

At the first sign of trouble, BP should have capped the oil flow. By my reckoning, an intelligent CEO would have anticipated this accident and never drilled in the first place. As I have so often demonstrated, doing nothing usually carries the day when you are faced with a decision. The key is to talk about action while sitting on your hands. You may get butt cheek impressions on your knuckles, but Speaker Pelosi claims there is surgery to remove the stubborn wrinkles. She should know.

Now, I know what you are thinking: "But Mr. Bama, British Petroleum was a big contributor to your senatorial and presidential campaigns, to the tune of $77,000. How about cutting BP some slack?" This is the beauty of my public berating of your company. No one will suspect that I'm actually in the tank for BP. Believe me, the media is too busy genuflecting before my official presidential photo to notice. And forget the voters. They are so stupid most actually believed that whole hope and change thing.

It was my hired gun Rhamm who actually suggested I tell the press that I had my "boot on the throat of BP." I thought that was a clever way of showing the size of my presidential scrotum. However, some have suggested the image might conjure up visions of jack-booted dictators with funny mustaches. That's nonsense. I plan to shave off the Charlie Chaplin mustache tomorrow.

Since I am never one to waste a good crisis, I checked with my sidekick Joe "Plugs" Biden about what else we could do to stick it to BP. In the course of the conversation, Plugs said something really poignant. (Yeah, I know. I was shocked too. Who knew Plugs could even spell poignant?)

Plugs said that the two states currently threatened by the growing oil slick are Mississippi and Louisiana. He reminded me that both states went for John McCain in the presidential contest. That got Plugs to thinking. What poetic justice it would be if oil wiped out wide swathes of obviously disenchanted voters?

I think Plugs is on to something. Go ahead and drench Mississippi, Louisiana, Alabama and Texas with your BP oil spill goo. Drill and spill, baby. Drill and spill. However, you got to protect Florida's coast. I carried that state you know. We must do all we can to protect the fragile environment.

Your President In Chief,

O.H. Bama