Letters From O.H. Bama

Dear General Petraeus:

As your lovable commander-in-chief, I feel it is my obligation to lay down a few ground rules to help you avoid some of the mistakes of your predecessor, General Stanley McChrystal.

But before I do, perhaps what we have here is a teachable moment. Generals are to be seen and not heard. I think McChrystal gets that now. Unfortunately, he was a little slow on the uptake so now he's just another Big Mac whose buns got toasted.

Let me also clear the air about my previous comments and those of other Democrats when you appeared on the Hill during the last failed presidency. Yes, back then we called you, "General Betray-us." And, that was one of the kinder names. But as you know general, sometimes war makes for strange bedfellows, especially under those silly "don't ask, don't tell" rules.

I hope that puts your mind at ease. You have my undying, intractable, 110 percent support. You can count on that just as surely as you can count on balanced budgets and no cuts in defense spending.

Now, here are those ground rules I promised:

1. Avoid drunken interviews with Rolling Stone magazine. If you feel you must speak to one of their reporters, stick to these talking points: "Barack, good. Taliban, bad."

2. Never call the vice president Joe Bite Me. You my refer to him as Plugs, Halfwit, Numbskull or Clueless. Out of respect for the handicapped, we should never call brain dead people a disparaging name.

3. Never say that I (your commander-in-chief) looks "uncomfortable" and "intimidated" in a room full of military people. Sometimes my Presidential underwear bunches up and I get a pained expression on my face. But I am never ill at ease in any roomful of puffed up generals who wouldn't know the first thing about community organizing.

4. Meetings with me are never referred to as "photo ops." However, get used to getting your picture taken by the press every time you show up at the White House. After the photo session, we should have a minute or two to discuss the Afghan conflict before my afternoon basketball game or a round of golf.

Now, I know what you must be thinking. "Oh great, I'm going to have to kiss the President's rear end to keep my job." Not true. A peck on the back, neck or Presidential ring is all that is required.

I realize that it probably wasn't this way when you worked for that dolt, George Bush. He expected you to tell the truth and run the war effort as if the U.S. wanted to win. Forget that stuff. My larger-than-life image matters more than a bunch of poppy-growing, women-hating, beard-wearing, rag heads in Afghanistan.

Besides, if things go terribly wrong in Afghanistan, I can always blame Bush. After all, he is the one who appointed you in the first place. I'm just a victim of his past misjudgements.

But don't worry, general. I got your back.

Your Commander-in-Chief (and don't ever forget it),

O.H. Bama