Letters from O.H. Bama

Dear Princess Pelosi:

You were likely as surprised as I was when that intellectual giant Joe Biden recently declared in a public appearance that he was No. 2 in line for the presidency. I guess that makes you No. 1. Frankly, I wouldn't know because I've never read the Constitution. That document is so quaint and out of date. But I must admit that I was taken aback when when one of your limp-wristed staff members entered the Oval Office and began measuring for new drapes.

Just remember, whoever occupies the office is not only responsible for running the country, but also is on the hook for Michelle's credit card payments as well. When those overseas vacation charges begin showing up on the billing statement, you may pine for the old days as Speaker. I know Michelle's charges may seem a bit extravagant, but think of it in terms of the cost of just one of your plastic surgeries.

Perhaps, you should be more worried about keeping your job as Speaker of the House. Polling data shows our party will be booted out in the mid-term elections, despite all I've done to run up record deficits, saddle the country with a bloated health care system and sink the economy. My accomplishments aside, you are not helping matters with your recent decision to postpone a House vote on the Bush tax cuts.

However, I must admit that I liked the way you referred to the extension of the tax reductions as the "Obama" middle class tax cuts. Those stupid voters won't know the difference, particularly the ones who believed all that stuff about hope and change. On that subject, you better hope the Congress doesn't change hands in November because I will drop you from my Blackberry contact list faster than you can say, "Reverend Wright."

Guess you've heard that most of my economic team has abandoned the Good Ship Oh Bama. Good riddance, I say. It's not like they solved the economic crisis I inherited. Now even Rahm Emanuel, the country's real No. 2 in command, has decided to leap overboard. Imagine wanting to be Mayor of Chicago? The cab drivers there smell like the Potomac River after a fish kill.

On a lighter note, I appreciated the nice bible you sent me. I put it on my night stand next to the Quran. I will carry it over the next few weeks when I make carefully orchestrated appearances at churches to convince those dumb voters that I am not a Muslin. The folks at Fox News started that rumor. The First Lady got pretty steamed about it. She practically ripped off her burqa in anger.

No matter what happens in the elections, you will always be known as the first Madam Speaker of the House. Some day there be another woman in that job. But I doubt she will be a Madam. That title belongs to only you.

In closing, let me propose a coupling that might benefit us both. The Presidential Dog "Bo" is feeling a little frisky these days. Perhaps, "Bo" could mate with your bitch, "Tox." Imagine the offspring of "Bo"-"Tox."

Your Teleprompter in Chief,

O.H. Bama