Faced with a firestorm of public protests, Homeland Security Secretary Janet (Big Sis) Napolitano plans to issue a new set of airport screening procedures for TSA agents. Your faithful scribe obtained a secret copy of the changes, which are shared now before Wikileaks publishes it along with the plans for the Russian invasion.
ATTENTION: TSA AGENTS
Effective today, the following guidelines apply for the pat-down of passengers at all American airports, including the Republic of California:
1. Share a cigarette with passengers after each pat-down to assure them it was a mutually pleasant experience.
2. Refrain from using the word "but" during each pat-down, lest you be misunderstood.
3. If a female passenger refuses a pat-down, offer her a few cocktails, which usually gets rid of inhibitions.
4. You may grope male passengers during a pat-down, but assure them you "won't ask, if they don't tell."
5. Male agents should not pat-down female passengers, unless they are particularly well endowed.
6. After each pat-down, agents may offer passengers a free colon exam while they are waiting for their flight.
7. TSA agents should limit each pat-down to one hour, unless the passenger seems to be enjoying the procedure.
8. While patting down a passenger's groin area, please be respectful and do not ask for home phone numbers until the person has passed through the security area.
9. When running your hands over a female passengers legs, it is irresponsible to suggest the person get reacquainted with a razor.
10. Do not offer to sell full body x-rays of passengers to other TSA agents unless no one is looking.
By following these simple guidelines, you will make the airport screening experience much more enjoyable for the traveling public. As with any policy, there are a few "don'ts" you must observe, including:
1. Don't detain any bearded Imam shouting, "Death to America," unless you have reason to believe he might secretly be a Republican in drag.
2. Don't indulge in profiling, but do require pat-downs for underage children, 80-year old women and American military service men and women in uniform.
3. Don't pat-down Muslin women because your hands will wrinkle their burkas.
4. Don't ask embarrassing questions of passengers holding ink jet cartridges, sporting platform shoes and wearing wired underwear.
5. Don't consult the "No Fly" list because it will just confuse you in carrying out your assigned duties.
6. Don't display your copy of the Koran while you are on duty because people may assume the President is a Muslin.
7. Don't look anyone in the eye, especially if the passenger is unduly nervous, sweating profusely or incessantly fidgeting.
8. Don't open a passengers luggage if there is a sticker on the suitcase reading, "Fly Martyr Airlines."
9. Don't ask for identification of any passenger who claims to have voted for President Obama because he has already suffered enough humiliation.
10. Don't forget to remind passengers to have a "safe" and "tingly" flight after each pat-down.
Janet Incompolitano
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