Exclusive: Hillary's Secret Emails Surface

After an exhaustive search of bathrooms from New York to Colorado, a private server containing a cache of Hillary Clinton's top secret emails has been been discovered in a Nevada outhouse.  The revelation ends months of speculation about the whereabouts of thousands of missing emails.

The FBI, government committees and a federal judge have been investigating the former Secretary of State's handling of classified documents.  Mrs. Clinton has repeatedly denied any wrongdoing in the matter, while stonewalling, prevaricating and obfuscating.

In an effort to disclose the truth about the content of the emails, here is a sample of the communications contained on the outhouse server, which was formerly used by Democrat Harry Reid to hide his land deals.

TOP SECRET (chelsaclinton@importantdaughter.net)

Give my favorite grand baby a hug.  I never can remember its name. By the way, is it a boy or a girl.
Hill

CLASSIFIED (HumaAbedin@embarassed.net)

Hey, your husband Anthony texted me a picture of his Weiner. What's that about?  I thought I was the only one dealing with a spouse who couldn't keep his pants on.
Hill

EYES ONLY (AlgerianprimeMinister@moneybags.net)

It was nice shaking your hand today at the two-minute reception in my office.  Remember to write a generous check for $500,000 to the Clinton Foundation.  Bill always speaks fondly of you Algerians.
Hill

SUPER SECRET (GeorgeSoros@scumbag.net)

While I was in Iraq, I stumbled upon some insider information on the country's currency.  You may want to place a bet on the Iraqi rial at the opening of the markets.  Just saying.  Kindly write two checks to the Clinton Foundation and one to my future presidential library.  
Hill

UNBELIEVABLY SECRET (headOfclintonFoundation@moneylaundering.net)

I am submitting a reimbursement invoice for 32 bottles of champagne, two nights in a Paris hotel, a private jet and yoga pants. These items and services were purchased in connection with my work with the Clinton Foundation while I was hosting a dinner for fat-cat campaign donors.
Hill

TOO SECRET TO MENTION (OmarTheTentmaker@shadybusiness.net)

The latest batch of pants suits you sent me were a little tight around my ample hips.  I thought I made it perfectly clear that I had quit Jenny Craig.  I hear there is a used circus tent for sale in Indiana. You might check out the fabric.
Hill

WAY, WAY SECRET (CherylMills@coverupartist.net)

Those nasty Republicans on the Benghazi committee are snooping around again.  They want to know if I personally rejected requests for embassy security.  Change the signatures on all my State Department documents to John Kerry.  Anyone dumb enough to negotiate that nuclear deal with Iran won't have a clue.  
Hill

BEYOND SECRET (ValdPutin@russianbear.net)

I saw a picture of you in today's New York Times riding a horse without your shirt.  Wow!  I mean there was a tingle down my leg. Unlike you, our president has a body like a toothpick. I'm flying to Moscow this evening to reset your buttons!
Hill

NO ONE CAN SEE THIS SECRET (Bubba@AshleyMadison.net)

I did not appreciate you sharing the fact that you never used email after I told journalists that I deleted private communications between us.  Lie for me like I did for you all those years. By the way, man up and gain some weight.  You look like a scarecrow standing next to me.
Hill

YOU WILL HAVE TO BE KILLED IF YOU READ THIS (JoeBiden@hairplugs.net)

Really?  You would oppose me for president? This must be some cruel joke.  Unless you grow breasts, you don't have a chance.  I am going to be the first woman to occupy the Oval Office...well, unless you count that tramp Monica.  
Hill

These explosive emails are only a harbinger of things to come.  At some point in the next 12 months, a foreign government, professional hacker or political operative is bound to release the real emails Mrs. Clinton hid, destroyed or withheld.

Those emails may be the final blow that ends her second bid for the White House.  Or she could be the first president in United States history to endure a perp-walk during her inauguration speech.