Fake News: Santa's Shocking Revelation

At a hastily called news conference at the newly built North Pole Tower, the world's most talked about person (not named Vladimir Putin) revealed that he intervened in the presidential election. Santa Claus make the shocking admission after weeks of speculation the Russians were involved.

"I decided to come clean," a repentant Claus disclosed to reporters. "Russians get blamed for everything these days.  It would have been easy for me to remain silent, but that kind of behavior would wind up putting me on my own naughty list."

With a teary-eyed Mrs. Claus standing at his side, the jolly red-suited spirit of Christmas said he had spoken to the head of the Federal Bureau of Investigation, James Comey.  Contacted by email, the FBI director said no charges would be filed against Mr. Claus.

"We call it the "Hillary Clinton Rule," Comey wrote.  "Clearly, what Mr. Claus did was a violation of election laws, but he just wanted to have a little fun with the presidential outcome.  He was careless but his intent was not malicious."

Pressed to explain how he tampered with the election, Santa unleashed a laugh that make his ample belly shake like a bowl of jello.  "It was really easy," the corpulent man admitted.  "I sent elves to every voting precinct in America.  No one would turn away an elf, even without a voter ID."

According to Santa, the elves waited until after all the votes were cast, then snuck into the building and jiggered with the electronic machines. "You know elves are very mechanical; they were able to change the results with just a screw driver and a hammer."

To distract the poll watchers and election officials, Rudolf the red-nosed reindeer pranced outside each precinct.  "Everyone stopped what they were doing and went outdoors to watch that darn blinking red nose," Santa said with a grin.  "That gave the elves just enough time to switch the votes."

While Rudolf put on a show, the other reindeer marched with signs that warned the Russians were planning to steal the election.  A sampling of the signage: "Put a Putin Puppet In the White House;" "Vladimir Doesn't Dig Chicks In Pantsuits;" and, "The KGB Loves Free Elections."

"It was all a diversionary tactic," Santa explained.  "The clever spooks at the NSA deciphered the signs and came to the conclusion that the Russians were planning a malicious campaign to decide the outcome of the American presidential election."

Santa expressed surprise that America's intelligence community fell for the ruse of a Russian election sabotage.  "Even President Obama ordered an investigation," Santa said, shaking his head in disbelief.  "I wonder if Hillary Clinton had won, would there have been a probe?"

Under pressure from the White House, Santa was forced to delete Mr. Putin from the "nice list" this year.  "That was cruel," Santa complained. "Last year, I gave him Ukraine for Christmas.  He was so appreciative. This year he wanted Eastern Europe.  It would have been huge."

Santa found a kernel of good cheer in the episode.  "The little mischief I concocted had all the media reporting fake news about Russian intervention in our election.  Even The New York Times and The Washington Post took the bait.  Of course today, the news is mostly fantasy just like me."

On a serious note, Santa said the election outcome had left Ms. Claus in a serious funk.  "She was a big Hillary supporter," Santa told reporters. "She hasn't slept in our bed since election night. I think she is suffering from elect-tile dysfunction. She has even threatened to move to the South Pole."

As reporters filed out of the media conference, Santa returned to the podium in a flash and bellowed into the microphone:  "Merry Christmas everyone!  And don't forget to leave a plate of gluten-free cookies by the fireplace this year."