Born To Be The King: New Rules For America

Envision a dystopian America.  The Constitution has been ruled unconstitutional by the Supreme Court.  Congress has abolished the government.  Angry mobs roam the streets. In desperation, America returns to its colonial roots and elects to be ruled by a king once again.

Your writer is retired, has plenty of free time, so I am anointed The King. Why me, you ask? I have a regal surname.  My ancestors migrated from France.  Roi was the original spelling of the family surname.  The word means "king" in French.  That settles the issue of legitimacy.  Get over it.

With my coronation looming, I am outfitted with a jeweled crown and purple silk robes flecked with 14K gold and ascend to my throne in Bald Knob, Arkansas.  After entertaining my fawning court with tales of my golfing prowess, I turn to serious royal business.

My subjects are anxious to know what I consider the priorities for America, the greatest nation on Earth. I consult my astrologist and a couple of former Enron executives.  I scale a mountain seeking solace and wisdom, sitting alone gazing at the stars and watching funny cat videos on my iPhone.

After forty days, I return to my anxious Earthly subjects and issue the following decrees that will greatly remake America:

1.  Tea Spoons Are Required In Every Restaurant.  Too many eating establishments serve ice tea with a plastic straw.  No tea spoon to stir in the artificial sweetener.  A straw is no substitute for a thin, long spoon.  Stirring with a fork or knife is gauche.  Where have all the tea spoons gone?  Why is there a shortage in restaurants?  A special prosecutor will be appointed to find the answers.

2.  No Subject Is Allowed To Use the Phrase 'No Problem.' Your King has grown weary of hearing those two words.  Compliment a restaurant waiter for the service and he will answer: "No problem."  Tell a dental hygienist your appreciate the cleaning and she likely will say: "No problem."  This is a problem.  The correct answer is "THANK YOU." When did "No Problem" enter the lexicon as a substitute for a simple "Thank you?" Getting rid of 'No Problem" will be no problem for your King.

3. All Men's Slacks Must Be Made With Elastic Waistbands.   Nothing chafes your King more than having to pay a tailor to let out his slacks after every meal of a burger, fries and a milkshake.  Then after a couple weeks of diet and exercise, the pants need to be taken up.  This back-and-forth fluctuation in waist size costs thousands of dollars each year.  Elastic waistbands are as American as bottled water or tofu.  No pants can be sold without elastic waistbands. It's a weighty decision

4. No Plastic Tops Will be Permitted on Pharmacy Prescription Bottles:   After a certain number of birthdays, many of my loyal subjects complain they can no longer open their medication bottles.  The damn caps are senior proof.  You need a pair of pliers and a blowtorch to remove the plastic top so you can gulp your medication.  Pharmacies will now be required to give seniors pill bottles with no tops.  No problem, right? Thank you.

5. Barbecue Will Be Added To the Food Guide Pyramid.  The Department of Agriculture erred by not including barbecued meat as essential to a healthy diet. Because of the agency's oversight, many people are made to suffer unnecessary guilt when consuming heaps of barbecued ribs and beef brisket.  The new Food Guide Pyramid will suggest every individual requires at least two servings of barbecue each day. By the way, this explains why men need elastic waistbands.

6. All Cars Must Be Equipped With Texting Sensors.  Every state in the union has laws that make texting and driving a violation.  Problem is no one enforces it.  Millions of drivers can been seen every day with their wireless device propped on the steering wheel, both thumbs tapping the screen.  This dangerous situation requires stern measures.  This edict will require car manufacturers to retrofit their vehicles with sensors that trigger an explosion if the driver is texting. The blast will blow off the driver's thumbs but he or she will be otherwise unharmed. This is a thumbs up winner.

7.  No Person Will Be Allowed To Hold Up The Line At Any Public Place.  This order applies to grocery stores, banks, the post office, Department of Motor Vehicles and retail stores.  My subjects waste too much time standing in line when they could be home texting or eating barbecue.  Persons who knowingly hold up a line of fellow citizens while they fish for grocery coupons or a credit card, ask the postmaster for a single stamp or return clothes to the rack after the cashier rings up the sale will be guillotined.  I will not put my neck on the line for those who ignore this edict.

8. Bradley Cooper Movies Will Be Outlawed.  Face it, actor Bradley Cooper is a man-hunk.  He takes off his shirt in a lot of movies to show off his chiseled physique.  It intimidates your king and makes his queen's legs quiver. Conversely when the king strips off his shirt, the queen giggles.  Removing the actor's image will make men, including The King, feel better about their lumpy bodies.

Clearly, being king is no laughing matter.  There are life-or-death issues that require royal solutions.  Now, if someone could just find my crown. Shockingly, I  misplaced it in one of the 50 rooms in my palace.   Surely, a humble subject can develop an app to locate it.  Let's hope she has both thumbs.