Santa's Crisis: Deer In The Headlights

A highly contagious virus known as political correctness has infected the reindeer at the North Pole leading to a near mutiny.  Some reindeer, wearing yellow vests, even tried to set fire to the elves' workshop, forcing Santa Claus to mobilize the Polar National Guard.  Tensions remain high.

The discontent began innocently enough about a month ago.  The reindeer were practicing pulling a sleigh piled with toys when Mrs. Claus piped Christmas music over the loudspeaker.  When the song "We Wish You a Merry Christmas" began playing, the reindeer Blitzen took a knee.

The other reindeer, including their leader Rudolph, joined the protest.  A shocked Mrs. Claus summoned Santa, who was checking one of his famous lists.  "It's scandalous," Santa yelped.  "We Wish You a Merry Christmas" is the North Pole's national anthem," he pointed out.

Santa confronted Blitzen, a former walk-on as a linebacker with Marshal University's Thundering Herd football team.  "What's your beef," Santa asked gruffly.  Blizten cast his eyes downward and pawed the ground.  "I find offensive the line 'Bring us pudding,'" he answered.

"Why on earth would you object to that?" a dumbfounded Santa inquired.  Blitzen flicked his tail and replied: "It smacks of White Beard Privilege.  No reindeer has ever eaten pudding.  That's for rich folks like you.  We are lucky to have a few leafy greens or arctic char," Blitzen pouted.

To keep the peace, Santa reluctantly agreed the reindeer could remain on bended knee during the playing of the song but only at the North Pole.  That seemed to placate the reindeer and Santa left relieved.  However, tranquility lasted only two days.   Another Christmas song rattled the peace.

When "Baby It's Cold Outside" blared over the loudspeaker, Cupid went berserk.  She bolted from the reindeer games and locked herself inside the gender neutral restroom.  Tears flowed and wailing could be heard for miles.  Santa was alerted and rushed to find out what was wrong.

The bearded man with the ample belled softly knocked on the restroom door.  "Go away," Cupid sobbed.  A perplexed Santa tried soothing Cupid.  "I hate that song," Cupid shrieked.  "It is sexist and demeaning.  If Mrs. Claus plays it one more time, I will quit the reindeer team."

Santa threw up his hands.  "Ok, Ok.  No more 'Baby It's Cold Outside.'  Now can you come out into the cold, baby?"  Cupid pranced out of the restroom into the snow and sauntered past Santa without acknowledging his presence.  After the dust-up, Santa ordered Mrs. Claus to burn the loudspeaker.

For a solid week, toy production was humming, the reindeer were practicing wind sprints and the sleigh had received a fresh coat of red paint.  Then it happened. A North Pole merchant erected a billboard in an empty lot with the words to the song "I'm Dreaming of a White Christmas."

Dasher, who participated in the Million Reindeer March several years ago, was apoplectic.  "How come no one dreams of a Black Christmas?" he demanded of the merchant with the Russian accent.  "Why does Christmas always have to be White? This smacks of racial discrimination."

The worried merchant telephoned Santa, interrupting the jolly old man's afternoon cocktail, a Frozen Daiquiri.  "You're kidding me?" an exasperated Santa said in a shrill voice.  "That's A Christmas classic.  It has nothing to do with race.  It's about white snow for goodness sake."

Santa tried his best to explain the origin of the song to Dasher, who was clearly annoyed to have to listen to such dribble.  After several hours of back-and-forth barbs, Santa shook his head in surrender. "I'll tell the merchant Mr. Gorbachev to tear down that billboard," Santa promised.

A few reindeer weren't mollified.  Donner donned a yellow vest he found in a suit shop on North Pole Avenue.  He urged the other reindeer to follow suit and before you knew it the herd was clomping to the elves' workshop with torches before the Polar National Guard barricaded their progress. 

Order seemed to be restored after that incident.  With Christmas a week away, serenity reigned among the reindeer.  They appeared to never have been so content to mill around and eat bird eggs and mushrooms.  A relaxed Santa held one last dress rehearsal for the reindeer before Christmas eve.

After the drill, Santa made the mistake of asking the reindeer if they had any questions.  Dancer, the deer with the happy feet, stepped forward.  "I was just wondering if you're going to shout: "Merry Christmas to all and to all a Good Night" this year."

Santa rubbed at the bridge of his nose.  "Of course!  Surely no one can object to that," Santa said.  Dancer frowned, a first for a reindeer. "Not everyone celebrates Christmas, Santa.  Can't you just say, "Happy Holidays to all and to all a Good Night?"

Santa glared at the assembled troop of reindeer.  He was treading on dangerous ground here.  Who would pull his sleigh if all his reindeer decided to remain at the North Pole in protest?  Santa pondered Dancer's question.  The reindeer began to shift from hoof to hoof awaiting an answer.

"Tell you what," Santa huffed.  "There is a herd of moose south of the North Pole, who are larger and stronger than any of you puny reindeer.  Their antlers are huge and they cut a striking figure.  I think I'm going to replace all of you.  Moose are a happier than this bunch of complainers."

Rudolph was first to speak.  "Oh, come on Santa.  Moose don't have red noses."  Santa laughed.  "Reindeer don't have red noses either, you ninny.  You had a nose job when you were just six days old. I know a plastic surgeon who specializes in Moose nose jobs."

Suddenly, the herd appeared nervous.  There was whispering among the reindeer.  Comet seemed unusually aggravated.  Santa watched with his arms folded, thinking the group had that "Deer In The Headlights" look.  Rudolph eased to the front of the herd.  His nose was blinking red.

"Moose would ruin Christmas for the kids," Rudolph complained.  "They will likely be frightened by those huge antlers. Children expect us to show up.  They know every one of our names.  Plus, can you imagine a herd of moose landing on the roof of a house? It could collapse under the weight."

Santa smiled.  "Then you will show up Christmas eve and forget all your grievances?"  Rudolph turned and saw the other reindeer nodding.  "Yes," Rudolph said in a barely audible voice.  And that's how Santa saved Christmas and stopped the spread of political correctness.