North Pole (AP)--2021 was a repeat of the previous year in this sleepy city of 2,022 residents. Reindeer noses were cloaked in masks. Elves remained six feet apart. Santa Claus submitted to daily COVID tests. The new normal, however, was shaken when a traveling caravan of 12 Californians arrived.
Overnight, this tiny hamlet became infected with a disease far worse than the virus: Wokeness. The Californians, mostly San Francisco residents fleeing their city, launched a campaign to force the North Pole to address rampant, systemic racism. Their first salvo was to challenge the Whiteness of the city.
"There is white everywhere you look," snickered the caravan's greasy-haired, self-appointed leader Galvanized Newman. "There's white snow on the streets and on the roofs and even Santa's beard is white. This reeks of White Supremacy. We are not going to stand for this."
Santa Claus, taken aback by the charges, struck a conciliatory chord. "Fine, we'll import smog from Los Angeles, which will turn the snow black," he said in exasperation. But that didn't satisfy the restless newcomers. They demanded the song "White Christmas" be banned.
"But I like Bing Crosby," Mrs. Claus moaned. This just inflamed passions of the dissidents. All 12 Golden Staters marched into town and ripped down the statute of St. Nicholas, the patron saint of the village. "It was St. Nick, who enslaved elves and brought disease from Greece," Newman huffed.
After this incident, events spiraled out of control. Newman, bent on importing San Francisco-style Wokeness, ran for Mayor and won the election by allowing reindeer to submit mail-in ballots. Newman's opponent, an elf named Ronald Trumpet, accused the Californian of stealing the election.
In his first official act, Newman finagled the two person council to vote to require Critical Face Theory training for all North Pole residents, reindeer included. Under CFT doctrine, no citizen could look another in the face thus preventing facial bias. A baffled Santa and Mrs. Claus boycotted the session.
The offended twelve, dubbed the California Clucks Clan (CCC) by locals, marched to the Claus' one-bedroom home and spray-painted a slogan on the white clapboard house: "There is nothing jolly about a White Supremacist." Santa rang the police only to find out the council had defunded the department.
Santa beseeched the CCC to hold a meeting so he could address their grievances. Two days later, all 2,022 residents, elves and reindeer huddled in the city hall. After Newman ranted about Santa's rural ignorance, the rotund man rose unsteadily, having packed on 20 pounds during the pandemic.
"Every Christmas," he began in a raspy voice, "I bring gifts to children of every race. I let every kid sit on my lap at the mall, even the smelly ones. I take photos with all children, including those with missing teeth. We do good around the world and carry on the Christmas tradition here."
When the flabby man slumped in his chair, the crowd erupted in cheers. Newman was not impressed. "Yes, yes," he nodded. "You bring gifts to children, regardless of race. But we are talking about equity. The children of color deserve more gifts than the others for past white patriarchy."
Several locals fished their iPhones out of their pockets and googled "patriarchy." Newman shook his fist at the the residents and lobbed another verbal grenade. "You people are backward, science deniers, bible toting, gun-loving idiots. And those are your--insert air quotes-- 'good' qualities."
A near riot ignited as angry locals shouted down Newman, who showed his vaccination passport to stop the onrushing residents. The mayor thought about summoning police, but then remembered he had furloughed the lone law officer. Mrs. Claus, the town peacemaker, stood and shushed the crowd.
"Please," she said, motioning the locals to return to their chairs. "We will make all the changes you have demanded. We just want to live in harmony. " A murmur arose from the residents. Undeterred, Mrs. Claus continued, "Let's give this a try. What could go wrong?"
Santa's head snapped back, but he knew better than to challenge his spouse. For a few days, peace reigned as fresh, white snow coated the village. Work resumed in Santa's workshop. The reindeer began playing their usual games, like Texas Hold em. The quiet was shattered a day later by Newman.
The mayor urged that Rudolph's name be changed to X-dolph. "Reindeer by nature are binary, neither male or female. Rudolph should be able to decide its gender." The red light on Rudolph's nose flickered furiously. Santa intervened, petting his sleigh leader on the rump, to calm, he, she, it.
While Santa stroked Rudolph...er X-dolph...Dancer and Prancer sidled up to him. Both pawed the ground with their hooves, writing a message in the snow. Santa read and was startled. "We should be treated differently," the duo had written. "We are LGBTQ and appeal for support for our rights."
Santa's patience hung by a thread. He trudged through the snow. leaving Newman knee deep in reindeer dung. Opening the door to his cottage, he found Mrs. Claus snuggled in a blanket by a roaring fireplace. He plopped down in his lounge chair next to her and the two talked into the wee hours.
The next day dawned sunny, a rare ray of hope in the long gray North Pole winter. Santa ambled to the toy workshop and then visited the reindeer in the free range area. When he departed, elves and reindeer tromped in his footsteps as Santa resolutely waddled to city hall, where an anxious crowd awaited.
Santa shuffled toward the microphone at the front of the drafty hall, as reindeer jostled for the best seats at the front. The Twelve stood at the back, arms folded, scowls on their faces. A hush fell over the assembly. Santa cleared his throat and spread his flabby arms.
"Mr. Claus and I have withstood bitter winters, ungrateful kids, pushy parents and Christmas nights that seemed to never end. But it was worth it to see the smiles on the faces of the children. But now, we have come to a major decision." Santa paused, "We're moving our operation to Florida."
An audible gasp arose from the locals. "We don't want to become San Francisco, " Santa explained. "Mrs. Claus has already picked out a nice condo in Naples. The elves will be able to see the sun almost every day. The reindeer won't have to wear masks. And there is no tax on white beards."
The crowd sat stunned as they absorbed the news. Then one-by-one the locals stood and clapped and squealed with joy. The elves danced a jig. The reindeer nuzzled one another. No one minded trading the North Pole's frigid winters for balmy Florida.
Santa loaded up his sleigh, hitched up the reindeer team, and waved to the knot of excited North Pole residents. "Merry Christmas," he whooped as his belly shook like a bowl of Jello. "And I'll see you in Florida."
