Tips on Tipping In the Modern American Era

Some politicians are serving up plans to abolish tipping for restaurant workers.  The loony idea is to raise the industry's minimum wage to $15 and in return tell customers to keep their change.  However, waiters, servers and bartenders have a tip for the misguided pols: stay out of our business.

Elected officials in several cities and states, for instance Washington, D.C. and New York, have placed the no-tipping idea on the political menu, sparking an uproar from restaurant staff.  Research from a California-Irvine economist found waiters agreed eliminating tips would lower service quality.

In addition, servers and others in large urban cities often earn more than $15 an hour with tips included, according to wage studies.  That made me wonder:  If tipping raises the quality of service and increases living standards, then why limit the custom to restaurant wait staff only?

Imagine you have an early morning appointment with your urologist for a prostate exam.  He has unusually large hands.  Meat hooks.  You show up at his office and slide an envelope stuffed with money to the receptionist.  "Here's a little something extra for Doc," you smile and wink.

Don't you think Mr. Hands of Stone might go a little easier on you? This also would likely work with dentists, those purveyors of pain.  Just before the root canal begins, you reach in your pocket and fetch a $100 bill.  "Be gentle," you whisper.  "I'm having a 16-ounce steak for dinner."

The dentist nods and discreetly glides the bill into her smock.  Suddenly the lights are dimmed.  A soothing Mozart orchestral arrangement plays on the sound system.  A needle pricks your gum.  Next thing you know you are awake, sipping a Margarita in the waiting room.  You feel no pain.

Think beyond the medical profession.  You drop off your gas guzzling clunker of a car at the dealership.  Your anxiety level revs up like your car's pistons because you fear a a repair bill larger than your monthly pension.  That's when you sidle up to the mechanic waiting to check your auto.

"Hey buddy," you call nonchalantly.  "How would you like some green paper with pictures of dead presidents?"  Your mechanic, a graduate of the Harvard School of Engine Knocks, knows exactly what you are offering.  "No problem," he answers over his shoulder.  "I'll put in used parts."

Another tipping opportunity is with notoriously crabby employees at the Department of Motor Vehicles.  You are stuck in a long line waiting to renew your driver's license.  Without hesitating, you elbow your way to the front of the line and nod at the government employee.

"I was thinking you could use a raise with all these impatient people to serve," you say in a hushed tone.  An unmarked envelope glides from your hand to the public servant's.  "It must be hard doing your job. Hopefully, this will make it a little more tolerable."

The clerk waves you forward as an angry mob forms behind you. People start shoving and shouting at your chutzpa.  The aggrieved employee ignores their complains and pouts: "If you people were a little more generous, I wouldn't go home every evening with a migraine."

Try spreading the tipping wealth with utility workers, especially meter readers.  Someone skulks into your backyard searching for the gas meter.  You sprint from the house and strike up a conversation.  "Those numbers must be confusing," you say glibly.  "Probably difficult not to get them mixed up."

The utility employee looks puzzled.  You reach in your back pocket and pull out your wallet.  "Consider this a lesson in math," you coo as you hand the worker a $20 bill.  Next month you open your gas bill and discover it is substantially less than the previous one.  Math lesson learned.

Bank tellers are notoriously underpaid, particularly compared to other financial employees.  Try this next time you are at your local branch.  Waltz in with a deposit slip and $100.  As the teller prepares the transaction, slip a $10 bill across the marble counter.  "Buy a snack on your break," you propose.

The startled teller looks up and grins.  After the transaction is complete, the employee hands you a deposit ticket.  When you get to the car, you glance at the paper slip.  It reads "$1,000."  A handwritten note scribbled at the bottom with a Smiley Face says: "Enjoy your extra zero!"

This tipping practice will nearly always be rewarded.  One exception may be the patrolman who stops you for speeding in a school zone.  If you make a move for your pocket, you could end up handcuffed face down on the ground.  Just beam and tell the officer: "I have a great tip for you."

When he gives you that steely law enforcement stare, plaster an amused look on your face.  "Hey, I was talking about a bio-tech stock that will likely skyrocket from $12 to $2,000 today."  Chances even an officer of the law will be unable to turn down a tip like that.  Speed on my friend.