Summer means firing up the backyard grill. Barbecues. Smoking brisket. No meat or vegetable is safe from fiery immolation. Millions of Americans count the sweet smell of hickory smoke as the first sign of summer. But is grilling safe for humans? Not according to outdoor grill manuals.
As the proud owner of a new Coyote Stainless Steel Gas Grill, I was ready to toss a slab of ribs on the fire when my overly concerned wife suggested I read the manual first. I mean, really? I have been grilling since Nixon was president for nearly two terms. What could I learn from a manual?
Apparently, the lawyers at Coyote believe cavemen knew more about fires than I do. Their manual is littered with WARNING headlines on virtually every one of the 45 pages. I never knew grilling with natural gas ranked right up their with disarming a nuclear bomb as a hazardous undertaking.
On the second page, there is this somber warning: "NOT FOR USE BY CHILDREN." What idiot needs to be reminded that a two year old shouldn't operate a grill? I guess a kid burned down his house after lighting a grill and his parents sued. Coyote got burned and blamed its lawyers.
That is hyperbole, but this isn't. In 1994, a 79-year-old woman was awarded $2.86 million by a jury after she spilled coffee in her lap and suffered third-degree burns. She sued McDonald's because the coffee they served was too darn hot. That lawsuit opened the floodgates for product warnings.
Here is another bon mot from the Coyote legal folks. "Never stand with your head directly over the grill." I guess the lawyers are concerned that I will work on my tan while lighting the grill. Seriously? As a precaution, I slather Coppertone on my face before I stick my head over the flames.
One of my personal favorites is this one: "Spiders and insects can nest in the burners of this and other grills. which could disrupt the gas flow." If those pesky bugs want to nap on my burners, I don't have a problem. Once I goose the gas, they will roast like a pig at a Hawaiian feast. Yum.
Of course every manual must carry a legal warning to satisfy the legislative nannies in California. The Coyote booklet is no exception. Under California Proposition 65, grill masters must be forewarned that gas cooking may cause cancer. You can't make this stuff up. It's on page 4.
This is the equivalent of a sign on death row advising: "Caution: Sitting on the electric chair may singe your clothing." Soon there will be posters at the entrance to movie theaters admonishing: "Popcorn may cause choking, gagging and death. Consult your physician before munching."
But I digress. Coyote's marketing folks must have told the corporate lawyers that only dolts purchase their products. Why else would the manual include warnings about eating undercooked meat? The writer raises the specter of "bacteria" and "food borne illnesses." I promise not to eat raw chicken.
No manual on grills would be complete without instructions for cleaning the product. For instance, I discovered that touching the stainless steel cooking grids while blazing hot may result in serious burns. Thus informed, I no longer plan to hand-wash the sizzling grids with lighter fluid.
Just to make certain it's customers clearly understand the gravity of grilling, Coyote scolds users to "Obey all Warnings and Instructions" in the manual. I am surprised the maker does not require an sworn oath from every customer. I mean people signore traffic stop signs for gosh sakes.
To cover the corporation's backside, some attorney added this dilly: "Do Not Rely Just on This Safety Section. Use Caution and Common Sense At All Times." Are you kidding? If everyone used common sense, there would be no need for manuals stuffed with legal mumbo jumbo.
My view at this stage of my life is that everything is a risk. Just going to bed is no guarantee I will have a pulse the next morning. Therefore, I consider it my unalienable right to to light my natural gas grill with a blowtorch, if I choose. If something bad happens, I'll sue. It's the American way.
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