Universal Time: Nothing To Crow About

Two Johns Hopkins professors, both with apparently too much idle time, have concocted a cockamamie idea.  They are advocating for Coordinated Universal Time.  No more  pesky time zones to decipher. The world's clocks would all be synced to display the same hour at the same time.

In practical terms, that means that regardless of the position of the sun in the sky, every clock in every town and village on planet Earth would be set for the same, exact hour, minute and second.  If it's 7 a.m. in Dubai, then it's 7 a.m. in Bug Tussle, Texas.  But it may be sunny in Dubai and dark in Texas.

The professors, Steve Hanke, an economist, and Richard Conn Henry, an astronomer, are scholarly serious, we think.  Their idea was chronicled in a recent edition of The Wall Street Journal, which treated the subject with journalistic reverence.  But today that means diddly as you know.

The professorial duo argue that people would rise with the sun and retire for the evening at dark, no matter the time.  Our body clocks would recalibrate in a matter of days.  Apparently, these guys have never flown across multiple time zones and the international dateline. It will befuddle your body.

By now you are probably perplexed about the benefits of change? Why mess with centuries of time keeping?  Because, you ancient Neanderthal, the world would be a simpler place.  Whether you're traveling or managing an international business, you wouldn't be stumped about the local time.

These erudite intellectuals point out that whole industries already operate on a universal clock, such as airlines, the stock market and the international space station. Even our nation's railroads use a modified version.  Why can't the rest of us march in a timely matter to their clock?

To give you a preview of life under Coordinated Universal Time, the sun would begin to peek over the horizon in the United States about noon. (That would be perfect for us seniors).  But the sun would set around midnight.  And people today howl about Daylight Savings Time!  Whew!

First I am certain the National Rooster Union (NRU) would crow foul (or fowl?). These poor birds would never know when to signal it was morning.  Should they let loose at 5 a.m. or when the sun rises?  And what about all those nocturnal animals?  It would drive bats batty.

Teenagers might like the idea of sleeping until noon before their school day begins at 4 p.m. However, they sure would be grumpy working on homework until 1 a.m.  Bars would be open until 8 a.m. Drunk driving would become a national pastime. Only Budweiser would cheer.

Long haul truck drivers would pull over at a rest stop at 2 p.m. but they couldn't snooze because of the blinding sun.  The nightly news would begin at midnight when most folks would be too sleepy to watch. Prescriptions for sleeping pills would quadruple. Everyone would have two My Pillows.

July 4th fireworks would be scrapped because who wants to stay up until after midnight to gaze up at a few bursts of color?  Count me asleep.  Napping could become a lost art.  Can anyone justify reclining in a barcalounger at 6 p.m.?  Working the night shift would be everyone's worst nightmare.

Couples would stop having children.  Imagine the difficulty of training your newborn when to sleep and when to wake.  Churches would shutter their doors because worshipers would keep arriving at odd hours.  A flummoxed parishioner might ask: "I thought sunrise service was at 7 a.m. not noon!"

However, there would be one benefit.  Congress would still convene at 9 a.m.  That means most of us would be sleeping.  Legislators could pass bills, condemn colleagues and alter our lives with rules while we are kept in the dark.  Come to think of it, that's one thing that wouldn't change.