Some Names Matter, Especially John Wayne

I am officially peeved.   Fuming.  Offended. A bunch of ninny politicians in Orange County California want to get rid of iconic actor John Wayne.  Well, he is already gone, having departed planet Earth 41 years ago.  That matters little to those invested in woke political orthodoxy.

These elected bozos allege John Wayne, a legend of 50 years in cinema, made a racist comment in a single interview nearly a half century ago.  For this offense, the dunces are hell bent on removing the actor's name from the airport in Orange County, 45 miles south of Los Angeles.

I am a John Wayne aficionado.  I grew up going to the movies to see his westerns.  I didn't view all 169 of his films, but I recall he shot a bunch of Indians.  To my knowledge Native Americans never raised a stink.  Today the Duke might be branded a culturally insensitive cowboy.

By the way, Wayne's son, Ethan, told the Orange County busy bodies to pound sand.  Ethan said his Dad didn't have a racist bone on his 6-foot-four-inch frame. That is good enough for me.  This obsession with changing names of products, airports and streets is part of a monolithic ideology.

How come no one ever asks what offends me?  I have a long list of names that trouble my tender sensibilities.  I will be campaigning to scrap some monikers in this era of white guilt.  As John Wayne might say, "Grab your six-shooter and saddle up partner because we are fixing to set things right."

I am forming a group called, Some Names Matter, funded by George Soros, a morally corrupt billionaire.  The first order of business is to show up at an Orange County Commission meeting, armed with bullhorns and signs reading, "Enough!"  My movement is just getting warmed up.

At the top of my list is the Charles M. Schultz Sonoma County Airport in Santa Rosa, named after the famed cartoonist.  First off, I bet the county paid Peanuts for the land after snooping around for a good deal.  Schultz's sin?  He waited until 1968 to introduce an African-American in his cartoon strip.

Not only that, the Minneapolis native named the black character Franklin.  That sounds like a cracker name to me.  How many African-Americans do you know named Franklin? I am irritated!  Outraged!  Shame on Charlie Brown!  (All those exclamation points are making me dizzy.)

Next on my list is the J. Paul Getty Museum in Los Angeles.  Those California Democrats better peer into his background.  His biography mentions that he was a "notorious womanizer." The oil magnate was slapped with a paternity suit at age 25. This filthy rich, fat-cat collected five wives!

No city should glorify the affluent who prey on innocent women.  Tear down that museum, Mayor Garcetti!  I will accept the art and sculptures as a goodwill gesture before the building is demolished.  Being uber sensitive and wearing a chip, nay bolder, on your shoulder should come with rewards.

And how about Hugh Hefner Street in Chicago?  I know it is just a narrow secluded road, but this philanderer exploited women.  HIs lone contribution was introducing teenaged boys of my generation to the term "centerfold."  That still does not excuse this man's prurient pursuits.

I am organizing a sea of pipe-smoking protesters dressed in their silk pajamas to demand the city remove this repugnant signage.  There should be shame not honor for a man who cavorted with a bevy of scantily clad females at his opulent mansion. Haul down that sign, Mayor Lightfoot!

While they are changing the names of Aunt Jemima Syrup and Uncle Ben Rice, the sensitivity mob overlooked Bimbo Bakeries, the largest bakery in this whole United States.  The firm, a subsidiary of Mexican multinational Grupo Bimbo, makes everything from muffins and bagels to tortillas.

Right on every package are the words, Bimbo!  How dare denigrate women!  The company claims it is an innocent combination of two words, Bingo and Bambi.  Try telling that to the PepsiCO firm that owns the Aunt Jemima brand.  Rip off that label, Mr. Grupo!  Get woke!

NFL teams are not exempt from my rage.  Minnesota's pro team mascot is a Viking.  Does anyone know their history? Vikings raided and pillaged much of Northern Europe from 793 AD to 1066 AD, sacking towns, killing men and women.  I know that was a couple thousand years ago, but...

Are we going to let those Minnesotans get away with glorifying killers?  Not on my watch.  The team needs to rid itself of that awful mascot.  Minnesota needs a woke name!  It's gets cold up their in the North, right?  How about the Minnesota Snowflakes?  That shouldn't annoy anyone!

This being offended is turning out to be a lot more fun than I expected.  Now that I am riled and ruffled, how about changing the eponym of San Antonio?  I know, the city was named after a saint for goodness sake, so I am treading on constantly-in-need-of-repair San Antonio pavement.

Hear me out.  Saint Anthony of Padua was a Catholic priest. Are we going to start letting newcomers name every city after some Catholic?!  Will the Vatican start dictating what we do in our cities?!  How about a good Jewish name?  Or a Muslim?  Or a Presbyterian? You see the mess it creates.

I have a modest proposal.  Rename San Antonio...wait for it...Royville.  It has a nice ring, easier to spell, slips right off the tongue, and no Spanish accents are needed to pronounce it authentically.  I don't imagine even Saint Anthony would be offended.