Editors Note: With apologies to the Babylon Bee, this column is meant to be humorous and satirical. It is a complete fabrication. Don't spend your valuable time at Snopes website fact-checking the details. The Washington Post would give it five Pinochios. It is a work of fiction.
WASHINGTON, D.C.--Dr. Anthony Fauci, El Jefe of an agency called NIH, issued an urgent warning about the spread of Monkeypox. There have been 92 cases in 12 countries. The oldest living federal government executive appealed to Americans to take Monkeypox "really, really seriously."
"We can't let our guard down," Fauci told a media conference. "I'm still mad that some Red States dropped masking requirements during COVID. That ain't happening again on my watch. The Monkeypox scourge is an existential threat to our very civilization. Even in Florida."
The saintly Fauci, an icon on morning television, explained that Monkeypox is spread through close contact with people, animals or material infected with the virus. Human-to-human contact is believed to occur through respiratory droplets, according to the World's Worst Health Organization (WWHO).
"Everyone will need to mask up," the diminutive doctor told reporters, straining to get a view of him. "One of the first symptoms likely to appear is an insatiable appetite for bananas. Others signs include walking on all fours, picking at sores on your body and swinging from tree-to-tree."
In rare cases, Fauci said some individuals may grow long, furry tails after four weeks. "It usually only occurs in males because, let's face it, some men act like apes. Especially those dimwits who won't follow the science. They think Monkeypox is just like having the flu."
Rochelle Walensky, director of the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, advised the most vulnerable in the population will need two pox shots and 14 boosters. "Those most at risk are Americans with hairy bodies," she warned. She recommended full body waxes as a precaution.
Walensky, formerly with the Flying Walenskies, promised her agency would send 10 billion home tests kits to Americans over the next 20 years. In addition, the CDC is urging the use of masks indoors, outdoors, in your bed and in the closet, while you cower in fear of the pox.
The CDC honcho urged the Department of Justice to hunt down and arrest anyone appearing in public without a mask. Merritt Garland issued a statement pledging his department would deputize a self-righteous squad of virtual signaling elites to aid in the effort to Mask Up America.
"Mask vigilantes are just the first step,"Garland revealed. "There will be $1,000 bounties paid to people who snitch on their neighbors." Asked by a reporter if this was unconstitutional, Garland replied: "Under our constitution there are no absolute rights. The only rights are those granted by the DOJ."
WWHO Director General Tedros Adhanom Ghebreysus (yeah, that's his real name) called on all countries to institute harsh lockdowns like those China employed during the COVID pandemic. "No one should be allowed out of their house, even for a Starbucks latte. No trips to grocery stores either."
The Ethiopian WWHO master challenged a reporter's question about the severity of such lockdowns. "What would you rather be--well-fed or alive?" Tedros (etc) barked. "Look how well this has worked in China. Locking people up helps the government keep track of everyone. It's genius."
The federal Department of Agriculture tasked the Animal Plant and Health Inspection Service to round up monkeys in America's zoos and place the primates in isolation to protect the public. Zookeepers will be quarantined for the next six months to prevent the spread of Monkeypox.
(If you're shaking your head in disbelief, your federal government is so large it does have an Animal Plant and Health Inspection Service to enforce the Animal Welfare Act approved by Congress in 1966. Your tax dollars pay for it. Don't you feel safer?)
The New York Times, Washington Post and ABC, CBS and NBC praised the administration for its quick action on Monkeypox. "We may be running out of gasoline, infant formula, while inflation is wiping out ordinary people's savings, but the nation's health is THE priority," the media echo chamber gushed.
Forty-three scientists with federal government grants, the entire intelligence community, eight retired Postmasters and a couple of homeless people in San Francisco took out an ad in the Wall Street Journal appealing to Americans to become sheep-like, following the health shepherd Fauci.
When pressed on the science behind the monkeypox restrictions, Dr. Fauci became defensive. "I am science. We don't need research. That's why we are allies with the United Kingdom and Israel. They do scientific studies. I don't need a study to tell me Monkeypox is bad, bad, bad."
Within hours of the media show, President Biden signed his 110th executive order, this one requiring grocery stores to pull bananas from store shelves. In addition, songs and books mentioning the word "monkey" have been banned. "Monkey is now a four-letter word," the president said earnestly.
Polls show Americans plan to remain unmasked. However, 77% of the population believe monkeys have the right to self-identify as elephants. "This could end the Monkeypox crisis," Senate Minority leader Mitch McConnell said. "But I guess then we'd have elephants showering with monkeys."
No comments:
Post a Comment