Letters From O.H. Bama

Dear Joe:

As my wing man and vice president of the entire U.S.A. (except for a few of those racist Red States), I got a request for you. Could you please shut your pie hole? Just when I thought you had learned to avoid microphones, you show up on television babbling about how the Democrats are going to shock the world by winning the mid-term elections. Are you taking political advice from Rod Blagojevich? Come on, Joe, help me here.

I tell you what would be a shocker: keeping your job after 2012. The only reason you've survived this long is because the first daughters enjoy watching you fetch their Frisbees on the White House lawn. But don't push your luck. First dog Bo has been practicing up and he's getting pretty good at it. And the girls don't have to water Bo's hair to make it grow.

Your latest blunder is one in a long string of verbal miscues. Your feet spend more time in your mouth than they do in your shoes. The First Lady thinks you should make one of those info-commercials for a new product. She suggests naming it Joe's Gaffe-O-Matic. It slices and dices sentences rendering every communication unintelligible.

In the event you think I'm being too harsh, consider some of these doozies you've uttered since we've been America's Top Duo. I've culled the list to include my personal Top Five gaffes:

1. "...the plan does nothing to tackle the number-one job facing the middle class. And it happens to be, as Barack says, a three-letter word: jobs. J-O-B-S. Jobs," on the campaign trail in Ohio.

2. "His mom lived in Long Island for ten years or so. God rest her soul. And, although, she's...wait, your mom's still alive. Your dad passed. God bless her soul!" consoling the Irish Prime Minister.

3. "If we do everything right, if we do it with absolute certainty, there's still a 30% chance we're going to get it wrong," at the annual House Democratic caucus.

4. "Jill and I had the great honor of standing on that stage, looking across at one of the great justices, Justice Stewart," referring to Justice John Paul Stevens.

5. "When the stock market crashed, Franklin D. Roosevelt got on the television and didn't just talk about it, you know, the princes of greed. He said, 'Look, here's what happened," in a CBS interview, apparently unaware that FDR wasn't president in 1929 and there were no television sets in American homes.

Well, I think you get my drift, Joe. This may be one of those teachable moments I'm so fond of. I have this theory that your gaffes may have been caused by a botched hair transplant surgery. One of those plug holes must have hit brain tissue. I'd get it checked out, if I were you.

Some in our party have suggested you go into hiding until after the next presidential election. Find some place no one ever goes. Locate a spot that even I don't know exists. Have you considered just hanging out in your office?

If that doesn't work out, then perhaps you could roam around the halls of some hospital. Stick your head into the rooms with really sick people. You never know. You could catch a sore throat and lose your voice. Wouldn't that be a lucky break for us?

Despite my admonitions, you have nothing to fear. I would never dump you from the ticket. I mean you really are good for me. Standing next to you, even I sound like I know what I'm talking about. That's good enough for me, Joe.

In fact, in your honor, I have an idea for next year's Earth Day celebration. I'll invite every child in America to come to the White House and plant a hair plug on the top of your head.

Tired of following behind you with a pooper scoop,

O.H. Bama