Marriage: 50 Years and Counting

On a summer day in a small church 50 years ago my life changed forever.  The building's air conditioning huffed and puffed as I chafed in my wool tuxedo.  I had been anxiously awaiting this day after three years of courtship. My heart thumped in a joyous chorus of anticipation.

I swiveled to see the familiar faces occupying the pews at St. James Catholic Church in Seguin,Texas. And then the crowd hushed as the music began.  Everyone turned in unison as a breathtakingly beautiful woman gracefully glided down the center aisle on the arm of her father John Anderson.

I will always cherish that moment on June 1, 1968.  The wedding ceremony that followed is a cosmic blur. All I recall is that Dianna Anderson, the strong Texas woman with whom I exchanged vows,  smiled each time we stole a furtive glance.  Our hearts already were joined as one.

Today when we meet people and tell them how long we have been married, their mouths are agape. I know what they are thinking: "How could such a young women end up married to that old guy?" Eventually they shake their heads in disbelief because no one stays married 50 years anymore.

What Dianna and I have experienced together is that getting married is the easiest part.  Keeping a marriage loving and vibrant is formidable even under the best circumstances.  No one remains married without heartbreak, calamities and ruffled feelings.  But the joys are immeasurable.

There is so much nonsense today written about what makes a healthy marriage. Most of it is bunk dispensed by counselors and online therapists.  Marriage is not a science but a lifelong experiment.  Here are some nuggets of martial enlightenment gleaned through trial-and-error over 50 years:

Never Leave The Toilet Set Up

That may sound like simple advice, but the meaning is profound.  In marriage, we learned we had to make adjustments, adapt and modify our behavior in the name of harmony.  The toilet seat issue is just a metaphor for trying to keep your partner happy by breaking an old habit.  We try to embrace change every day to keep our marriage fresh.  Nothing makes it stale like clinging to the past.   

There Are No Perfect Marriages  

If you expect perfection in marriage, the odds are you will be miserable.  We don't compare our marriage to another couple's seemingly gilded life.  That is a prescription for a broken heart. Our marriage is uniquely ours.  We want to keep it that way while trying to improve it each day. That reinvigorates our marriage and keeps us young at heart. 

Sports Are Good But So Is The Ballet

Selfishness probably poisons more marriages than any other flaw. We are both strong willed people, but we learned compromise and sacrifice are necessary.  When we met, I was a sports junkie.  I cared for little else.  Dianna's infatuations were the theatre, art, ballet and live music. Our interests were at opposite ends of the cultural divide.  Now I am an art, theatre and music aficionado and she watches sports.  We share our interests to our mutual enjoyment, without sacrificing the things we love.   

Laugh a Lot And Lighten The Burden 

We found there is no such thing as too much laughter in a marriage.  It is hard to be upset when two people are enjoying a good belly laugh.  Humor, jokes and playful banter are at staple at our house. We discovered it strengthens our marriage to handle the inevitable times of crisis and conflict.  And when you laugh at yourself, you can't take yourself too seriously.

Love Means Never Having To Say Your Sorry (NOT!)

One of the worst pieces of advice is the title of a popular movie about the time we were married.  It was called "Love Means Never Having to Say Your Sorry."  That's not love.  It's stubbornness.  We have never stopped using those two words "I'm sorry." Paper your marriage with "I'm Sorry" and you will never to say: "I want a divorce."

Being Forgetful Is A Good Thing

Making up after a kerfuffle irons out the martial kinks as long as the parties agree to never bring up the issue again.  A memory for past details can be an asset except in a marriage.  We make it a habit to leave the past were it belongs and never attempt to re-litigate a disagreement once it's resolved.  Going down that path hardens hearts and renders forgiveness an empty promise.

Say A Little Prayer    

The demands of marriage, careers and eventually kids leave precious little time for the thing that matters most: faith.  Throughout our marriage, our faith has soared to peaks and sometimes crashed in the valley.  But we have discovered that shared faith, supported by robust prayer, allows us to dodge some of the potholes on the road of life. Faith in God is the great Amen that has blessed our marriage and united us with an unbreakable bond. 

After writing these words, I reread the marital tips in this column.  I must admit: I haven't always heeded these suggestions.  That's a peculiarity of marriage.  It is a fascinating journey that no one finishes without making mistakes.  But the passage is priceless, especially when it lasts 50 years.