An impeachment inquiry has been scheduled for Christmas Day by a cadre of North Pole elves who want to oust Santa Claus from his position. News of the development has left anxious children all over the world wondering if they will receive toys and gifts this year.
An investigation was announced by Alabaster Snowball, the administrator of the Naughty and Nice List that Santa Claus relies on to decide which child's behavior merits toys. The diminutive Snowball claimed to have support from members of the Naughty and Nice Elf Committee.
At a hastily called hearing, Snowball alleged Santa secretly raised the behavioral standard to advantage kids with parents in the wealthiest one percent. Snowball revealed a whistleblower had overheard Santa making the request in a phone call to the Ukrainian born reindeer Blitzen.
Although Snowball did not divulge the identity of the whistleblower, Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer speculated the snitch was Wunorse Openslae, a disgruntled elf who serves on the committee. "Openslae has been hostile to Santa this entire year," Rudolph glowed with discontent.
Santa Claus took to social media to unleash a torrent of tweets slamming Snowball as a partisan hack. "Snowball has concocted a Snow Job. He's upset because he had to work overtime last year making toys because too many kids made the Nice List. Naughty SNOWBALL!," read one tweet.
The white-bearded Claus pledged to fulfill his Christmas duty by skipping the "sham" inquiry. A defiant Claus told a news conference: "I will guarantee every kid: "If you like your gift, you can actually keep your gift." Some considered the quote a slap at Santa's cousin Obama Claus.
A few news reporters tried to goad the merry man into responding to catty comments from fashion designers about Mrs. Claus's dated red and white outfit and her ample figure. "You journalists should look in the mirror before you body shame anyone," the roly-poly Claus retorted.
A reporter from the Washington Impeachment Post challenged Claus to release his medical records in light of reports about Claus' own weight gain. "My personal physician, Dr. Shirley O. Bese, said I have the body of a 1,749-year old man," answered Claus, who became a legend in 270 A.D.
During the session with news members, angry environmentalists outside began waving signs proclaiming, "Santa Supports Dirty Coal!" A spokesperson for the group accused Santa of polluting the atmosphere by giving naughty kids a lump of coal in their Christmas stockings.
"We demand Santa pay a carbon tax if he is going to continue to use coal," the spokesperson told shivering bystanders. The environmental protesters also pointed out Santa's sleigh was powered by reindeer, whose burping fouls the air across the world.
Donner was not amused. "Count me as a burp denier," the reindeer harrumphed. "Santa feeds all his reindeer a vegan diet. Now admittedly, a few order meals from Jenny Craig, but most of the reindeer are content to munch on plant food that tastes just like a Whopper."
Inside at the news briefing, a handful of illegal immigrants from the South Pole interrupted Claus and insisted their children deserved free toys at Christmas just like the local kids in North Pole. The clump of aliens produced drivers licenses proving they were citizens of New Jersey.
Claus directed the immigrants to discuss the matter with Shinny Upatree, the elf charged with barcoding each toy with the recipient's address before it is loaded on Santa's sleigh on Christmas Eve. Upatree appeared with two Icy Gents who ushered the immigrants out of the room.
With all the hullabaloo, Santa figured he needed to change the prevailing narrative. He tugged an index card from the pocket of his red coat and began reciting his recent achievements. Reporters and bystanders listened as Claus ticked off a list that included a record stockings market.
"Ever since last Christmas, sales of stockings to be hung by fireplaces have soared. The market is now up to 28,000 stockings for the year. No one ever imagined sales would reach such heights," bragged Santa. "And, I have added more jobs this year than any North Pole employer."
As the news conference was wrapping up, Santa wanted to have the last word. He held up his fleshy arms to silence the media herd. "I just want to leave you with two words: 'Merry Christmas!'," he bellowed as his belly shook like a bowl full of Jello.
For once the media mob fell silent. No reporter objected. A few promised to write flattering stories about Santa Claus. Just kidding. This whole last paragraph is Fake News. But the remainder of the account is factually accurate as certified by the never reliable website Snopes.
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