Politics Are Par For The Course

In a journalistic coup that bested Wikileaks, the Diatribe has obtained a secret recording of the conversations that took place during a highly publicized golf match involving the president and the speaker of the house.  Joining the two were Vice President Joe Biden and Ohio GOP Governor John Kasich. 

To set the scene, the political foursome squared off recently at a secluded golf course tucked in the woods of Maryland, just outside Washington. Speaker John Boehner and the vice president donned spiffy Bermuda shorts.  President Obama, looking dapper in a polo shirt and tan baseball hat, hid his knobby knees under long britches.

As the group gathered at the first tee, they were unaware that a micro-dot sized gadget had been surgically implanted among the vice president's hair plugs by a former CIA agent employed by the Diatribe. What follows is an unredacted transcript of the conversations captured by the recording device.   

OBAMA:  I assume we are playing for a few dollars, right John?
BOEHNER:  There you go, Mr. President, bringing up your deficit reduction plan!  Let's stick to golf.
BIDEN:  That's unfair, John.   The president can golf and politic at the same time.  He's that good!
KASICH:  Watch it Mr. President.  I think the vice president just planted his lips on the seat of your golf pants.
OBAMA:  Since I'm the leader of the free world, I get to decide the wager.  We'll play a $2 Nassau.
BIDEN:  Nassau?  I'd better tell someone to fire up Air Force One for a trip to the Bahamas.

(Obama rolls eyes.)

KASICH:  By the way, I'm playing a Titlelist ball.  Has everyone marked his balls?

(Biden tugs at the zipper on his shorts.)

OBAMA:  Someone tell Joe we are talking about golf balls.
BOEHNER:  You're up on the tee first, Mr. President.

(Obama addresses the ball.)

BOEHNER:  Just as I suspected, sir!  You are a lefty!
BIDEN:  At least my boss doesn't swing both ways like some of your fellow House Republicans, John.
KASICH:  Watch it, Joe.  Remember Ohio is a swing state.

(Obama hits a wild shot that curves to the left.)

BOEHNER:  I heard you were trying to stick more to the middle with the election looming next year.
KASICH:  Old habits die hard, right Mr. President?

(Biden laughs but doesn't know why.)

OBAMA:  You're up Mr. Speaker.  Since we're partners, I guess I'll have to pretend I'm pulling for you.
BOEHNER:  I know you can fake it.  Think of me as just another birth certificate from Hawaii.

(Boehner hits a solid if unspectacular drive.)

KASICH:  That's the John I know.  Straight and boring.

(Biden tees his golf ball and prepares to hit.)

OBAMA:  Excuse me Joe, but I think your aim is way off.
KASICH:  That ain't the only thing off about that guy.

(Biden backs off and readdresses the golf ball. He takes a mighty swing and misses.)

BIDEN:  Nancy Freaking Pelosi!
BOEHNER:  What does she have to do with anything?
BIDEN:  When I looked down at my golf ball and saw all those artificial dimples, all I could think of was Nancy's face.  It spooked me.
OBAMA:  Try again Joe, but hurry because I promised the First Lady that I would be home in time to help her get into her "fat" jeans before her speech on childhood obesity.

(Biden swings and dribbles the golf ball about 10 yards.)

KASICH:   Back in Ohio, we call that shot the Muammar Gaddafi.  Short and stinky.
BIDEN:  OK, Mr. Governor of the Flat Broke State of Ohio.  You're up.
 
(Kasick smacks a long drive and struts off the tee.)

BOEHNER:  Nice shot, John.  Looks like you'll have to carry the vice president. 
BIDEN:  There's not a Republican alive who could do as well as I have as vice president. 
KASICH:  Actually, sir, I know a few dead ones who could even do better.
OBAMA:  Gentlemen, we need to show a little more civility.  Perhaps, we should have a beer summit.
BIDEN:  I'm not climbing some mountain just to drink a beer, even if you are the president.

(Biden stalks off into the woods.  A few minutes pass.)

KASICH:  Anyone seen my playing partner, the vice president?
BOEHNER:  I think he may be relieving himself behind that tree over there.
OBAMA:  That's just like Joe.  Always thinking of the environment. 
KASICH:  Sir, I think he's doing more than just hugging that tree.

And, so it continued for the next four hours in a match aimed at creating a friendlier political climate.  On the course, Obama and Boehner teamed up to beat Biden and Kasich.  The victors each took home $2.  Perhaps, in a spirit of political harmony, they will agree to donate their winnings to help pay down the nation's debt of $14.2 trillion.