Dear Girls and Boys:
I hesitate to say it, but some of you are becoming too greedy. You plop yourself on my lap and recite a long list of goodies you want for Christmas. Sorry, but you sound like you think you're entitled. You want contraceptives. Abortions. Cell phones. Insurance. Who do you think I am? President Obama?
I think many of you have become Santa-dependent. If I may suggest, you cannot expect me to solve all the problems in your life. That's why we have a fat federal government. Washington is awash in cash, unlike old Santa who gets by on a monthly Social Security check.
Believe it or not, I have my own share of problems. The elves organized themselves into a union after some folks from the AFL-CIO showed up at the North Pole. Now they are demanding a 35-hour work week during the Christmas season. It really has gummed up toy production.
Then Rudolph came out of the closet and declared he was homosexual. Surprised me, because I always thought Prancer was the gay one. Some of the other reindeer objected, which caused a ruckus. Next thing I know, TV reporters from North Pole's only station arrived with cameras when Al Sharpton came with a bus load of protesters wearing antler hats.
Mrs. Claus has not been much help this year. She spent most of the Christmas season trying to sign up for Obamacare. The website crashed just as she entered the information about her political affiliation. I told her she should never admit to being a Republican.
Then a team of environmentalists parachuted into the North Pole. They shut down the coal-fired plant in town and converted it to wind power. Santa's workshop is now dependent on northers for electricity. When the wind doesn't blow, Santa's lights don't glow.
To make matters worse, a record snow storm hit the North Pole this week. The reindeer have gone into hiding just thinking about hauling that heavy sleigh through deep snow. I keep hearing about global warming, but it's as cold as a reindeer's you-know-what up here. Call me a denier.
Even old Santa has landed in the middle of a controversy. Some newscaster at the Fox network said I was white. I never thought there was any doubt. But apparently a few folks were offended. To make amends, I have visited my local tanning salon for a month. I swear I could pass for Jesse Jackson.
Heck, I no longer dream of a White Christmas. I want a rainbow Christmas. If he were alive, Bing Crosby would be crooning, "I'm Dreaming of A Black, Brown, Yellow, White Holiday." The word "Christmas" ticks off some people, so it'd have to be scratched.
Then Mrs. Claus put me on a Jenny Craig diet. I tried to tell her that I was supposed to have an ample belly. It's part of the legend of Santa. But that didn't matter. If I eat one more asparagus tip, I think I am going to explode in anger. In my current state, I keep imagining Dancer in a pot roast.
As you can see, boys and girls, Santa could use a few gifts of his own to brighten my Christmas. My list is shorter than most of yours. I desire a little family peace. Some joy. Perhaps, a few good tidings. But most of all, I just want to rejoice in the spirit of Christmas.
I think you boys and girls should wish for the same things. You can do without all the stuff you think you need. And you would be a lot happier, too.
Merry Christmas,
Santa Claus
Showing posts with label Political Humor. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Political Humor. Show all posts
Monday, December 23, 2013
Monday, December 24, 2012
What If Santa Was A Democrat?
Underneath Santa's bulky red suit beats the heart of a Republican. He owns a small business employing hundreds. His North Pole firm is non-union. His business accepts no government aid. He believes in charity, giving away billions worth of toys every year. He even has a traditional marriage.
Christmas would be a lot different if Mr. Claus was a Democrat and the federal government was in charge of overseeing the holiday.
No children could perch on Santa's ample lap. The Occupational Safety and Health Administration (OSHA) would deem it too hazardous for kids.
Santa would deliver no gifts to children in households earning $250,000 and above. These children would be assessed taxes on their allowances to pay for toys for middle class kids.
Children who requested Ken and Barbie dolls would be surprised Christmas morning to discover Ken and Bruce under their tree. The dolls come with a California marriage certificate.
Santa's workforce would not pass muster with the feds. Too many elves. Quotas would be established to insure the North Pole business employed more hobbits, jihadists and transvestites.
Every girl and boy would receive the same exact gift to make Christmas more fair. Santa may be pro-choice, but that doesn't apply to toys.
Santa would trade in his sleigh and eight tiny reindeer for a Chevy Volt and eight tiny Prius. However, the jolly man would only be able to visit four homes between each charge.
After squeezing down the chimney, Santa would confiscate all guns in the house. He would turn over the weapons to the feds, who would peddle them to Mexican gangs.
Santa would leave voter registration cards and cell phones in the stockings of households receiving federal handouts.
Children of Hollywood couples would put out large piles of cash for Santa's Political Action Committee. In return, Santa would overlook their naughtiness.
Each boy and girl would get a contraceptive and a video on safe sex. Santa would also leave behind his unlisted North Pole cell phone number and a topless photo of himself.
Santa would rip all religious symbols from the walls and holiday trees in homes. Exceptions would be made for Muslin households.
Homes in states that have approved marijuana use would be visited several times on Christmas eve. Even Santa needs to boost to make it through the holidays.
Instead of cookies, Democrat households would leave an apple and a stalk of celery for the overweight St. Nick to comply with First Lady Michelle Obama's healthy eating guidelines.
Federal anti-discrimination guidelines would prevent Santa from yelling, "Ho-Ho-Ho." The government insists the traditional greeting is insensitive to ladies of the night.
Santa would no longer refer to the holiday as Christmas. It would be renamed Entitlement Day to reflect how children of Democrats view their right to toys.
As you can tell, Christmas would be pretty dreary if Santa was a Democrat.
Let's keep Christmas Republican and free of government intrusion.
Christmas would be a lot different if Mr. Claus was a Democrat and the federal government was in charge of overseeing the holiday.
No children could perch on Santa's ample lap. The Occupational Safety and Health Administration (OSHA) would deem it too hazardous for kids.
Santa would deliver no gifts to children in households earning $250,000 and above. These children would be assessed taxes on their allowances to pay for toys for middle class kids.
Children who requested Ken and Barbie dolls would be surprised Christmas morning to discover Ken and Bruce under their tree. The dolls come with a California marriage certificate.
Santa's workforce would not pass muster with the feds. Too many elves. Quotas would be established to insure the North Pole business employed more hobbits, jihadists and transvestites.
Every girl and boy would receive the same exact gift to make Christmas more fair. Santa may be pro-choice, but that doesn't apply to toys.
Santa would trade in his sleigh and eight tiny reindeer for a Chevy Volt and eight tiny Prius. However, the jolly man would only be able to visit four homes between each charge.
After squeezing down the chimney, Santa would confiscate all guns in the house. He would turn over the weapons to the feds, who would peddle them to Mexican gangs.
Santa would leave voter registration cards and cell phones in the stockings of households receiving federal handouts.
Children of Hollywood couples would put out large piles of cash for Santa's Political Action Committee. In return, Santa would overlook their naughtiness.
Each boy and girl would get a contraceptive and a video on safe sex. Santa would also leave behind his unlisted North Pole cell phone number and a topless photo of himself.
Santa would rip all religious symbols from the walls and holiday trees in homes. Exceptions would be made for Muslin households.
Homes in states that have approved marijuana use would be visited several times on Christmas eve. Even Santa needs to boost to make it through the holidays.
Instead of cookies, Democrat households would leave an apple and a stalk of celery for the overweight St. Nick to comply with First Lady Michelle Obama's healthy eating guidelines.
Federal anti-discrimination guidelines would prevent Santa from yelling, "Ho-Ho-Ho." The government insists the traditional greeting is insensitive to ladies of the night.
Santa would no longer refer to the holiday as Christmas. It would be renamed Entitlement Day to reflect how children of Democrats view their right to toys.
As you can tell, Christmas would be pretty dreary if Santa was a Democrat.
Let's keep Christmas Republican and free of government intrusion.
Monday, June 27, 2011
Politics Are Par For The Course
In a journalistic coup that bested Wikileaks, the Diatribe has obtained a secret recording of the conversations that took place during a highly publicized golf match involving the president and the speaker of the house. Joining the two were Vice President Joe Biden and Ohio GOP Governor John Kasich.
To set the scene, the political foursome squared off recently at a secluded golf course tucked in the woods of Maryland, just outside Washington. Speaker John Boehner and the vice president donned spiffy Bermuda shorts. President Obama, looking dapper in a polo shirt and tan baseball hat, hid his knobby knees under long britches.
As the group gathered at the first tee, they were unaware that a micro-dot sized gadget had been surgically implanted among the vice president's hair plugs by a former CIA agent employed by the Diatribe. What follows is an unredacted transcript of the conversations captured by the recording device.
OBAMA: I assume we are playing for a few dollars, right John?
BOEHNER: There you go, Mr. President, bringing up your deficit reduction plan! Let's stick to golf.
BIDEN: That's unfair, John. The president can golf and politic at the same time. He's that good!
KASICH: Watch it Mr. President. I think the vice president just planted his lips on the seat of your golf pants.
OBAMA: Since I'm the leader of the free world, I get to decide the wager. We'll play a $2 Nassau.
BIDEN: Nassau? I'd better tell someone to fire up Air Force One for a trip to the Bahamas.
(Obama rolls eyes.)
KASICH: By the way, I'm playing a Titlelist ball. Has everyone marked his balls?
(Biden tugs at the zipper on his shorts.)
OBAMA: Someone tell Joe we are talking about golf balls.
BOEHNER: You're up on the tee first, Mr. President.
(Obama addresses the ball.)
BOEHNER: Just as I suspected, sir! You are a lefty!
BIDEN: At least my boss doesn't swing both ways like some of your fellow House Republicans, John.
KASICH: Watch it, Joe. Remember Ohio is a swing state.
(Obama hits a wild shot that curves to the left.)
BOEHNER: I heard you were trying to stick more to the middle with the election looming next year.
KASICH: Old habits die hard, right Mr. President?
(Biden laughs but doesn't know why.)
OBAMA: You're up Mr. Speaker. Since we're partners, I guess I'll have to pretend I'm pulling for you.
BOEHNER: I know you can fake it. Think of me as just another birth certificate from Hawaii.
(Boehner hits a solid if unspectacular drive.)
KASICH: That's the John I know. Straight and boring.
(Biden tees his golf ball and prepares to hit.)
OBAMA: Excuse me Joe, but I think your aim is way off.
KASICH: That ain't the only thing off about that guy.
(Biden backs off and readdresses the golf ball. He takes a mighty swing and misses.)
BIDEN: Nancy Freaking Pelosi!
BOEHNER: What does she have to do with anything?
BIDEN: When I looked down at my golf ball and saw all those artificial dimples, all I could think of was Nancy's face. It spooked me.
OBAMA: Try again Joe, but hurry because I promised the First Lady that I would be home in time to help her get into her "fat" jeans before her speech on childhood obesity.
(Biden swings and dribbles the golf ball about 10 yards.)
KASICH: Back in Ohio, we call that shot the Muammar Gaddafi. Short and stinky.
BIDEN: OK, Mr. Governor of the Flat Broke State of Ohio. You're up.
(Kasick smacks a long drive and struts off the tee.)
BOEHNER: Nice shot, John. Looks like you'll have to carry the vice president.
BIDEN: There's not a Republican alive who could do as well as I have as vice president.
KASICH: Actually, sir, I know a few dead ones who could even do better.
OBAMA: Gentlemen, we need to show a little more civility. Perhaps, we should have a beer summit.
BIDEN: I'm not climbing some mountain just to drink a beer, even if you are the president.
(Biden stalks off into the woods. A few minutes pass.)
KASICH: Anyone seen my playing partner, the vice president?
BOEHNER: I think he may be relieving himself behind that tree over there.
OBAMA: That's just like Joe. Always thinking of the environment.
KASICH: Sir, I think he's doing more than just hugging that tree.
And, so it continued for the next four hours in a match aimed at creating a friendlier political climate. On the course, Obama and Boehner teamed up to beat Biden and Kasich. The victors each took home $2. Perhaps, in a spirit of political harmony, they will agree to donate their winnings to help pay down the nation's debt of $14.2 trillion.
To set the scene, the political foursome squared off recently at a secluded golf course tucked in the woods of Maryland, just outside Washington. Speaker John Boehner and the vice president donned spiffy Bermuda shorts. President Obama, looking dapper in a polo shirt and tan baseball hat, hid his knobby knees under long britches.
As the group gathered at the first tee, they were unaware that a micro-dot sized gadget had been surgically implanted among the vice president's hair plugs by a former CIA agent employed by the Diatribe. What follows is an unredacted transcript of the conversations captured by the recording device.
OBAMA: I assume we are playing for a few dollars, right John?
BOEHNER: There you go, Mr. President, bringing up your deficit reduction plan! Let's stick to golf.
BIDEN: That's unfair, John. The president can golf and politic at the same time. He's that good!
KASICH: Watch it Mr. President. I think the vice president just planted his lips on the seat of your golf pants.
OBAMA: Since I'm the leader of the free world, I get to decide the wager. We'll play a $2 Nassau.
BIDEN: Nassau? I'd better tell someone to fire up Air Force One for a trip to the Bahamas.
(Obama rolls eyes.)
KASICH: By the way, I'm playing a Titlelist ball. Has everyone marked his balls?
(Biden tugs at the zipper on his shorts.)
OBAMA: Someone tell Joe we are talking about golf balls.
BOEHNER: You're up on the tee first, Mr. President.
(Obama addresses the ball.)
BOEHNER: Just as I suspected, sir! You are a lefty!
BIDEN: At least my boss doesn't swing both ways like some of your fellow House Republicans, John.
KASICH: Watch it, Joe. Remember Ohio is a swing state.
(Obama hits a wild shot that curves to the left.)
BOEHNER: I heard you were trying to stick more to the middle with the election looming next year.
KASICH: Old habits die hard, right Mr. President?
(Biden laughs but doesn't know why.)
OBAMA: You're up Mr. Speaker. Since we're partners, I guess I'll have to pretend I'm pulling for you.
BOEHNER: I know you can fake it. Think of me as just another birth certificate from Hawaii.
(Boehner hits a solid if unspectacular drive.)
KASICH: That's the John I know. Straight and boring.
(Biden tees his golf ball and prepares to hit.)
OBAMA: Excuse me Joe, but I think your aim is way off.
KASICH: That ain't the only thing off about that guy.
(Biden backs off and readdresses the golf ball. He takes a mighty swing and misses.)
BIDEN: Nancy Freaking Pelosi!
BOEHNER: What does she have to do with anything?
BIDEN: When I looked down at my golf ball and saw all those artificial dimples, all I could think of was Nancy's face. It spooked me.
OBAMA: Try again Joe, but hurry because I promised the First Lady that I would be home in time to help her get into her "fat" jeans before her speech on childhood obesity.
(Biden swings and dribbles the golf ball about 10 yards.)
KASICH: Back in Ohio, we call that shot the Muammar Gaddafi. Short and stinky.
BIDEN: OK, Mr. Governor of the Flat Broke State of Ohio. You're up.
(Kasick smacks a long drive and struts off the tee.)
BOEHNER: Nice shot, John. Looks like you'll have to carry the vice president.
BIDEN: There's not a Republican alive who could do as well as I have as vice president.
KASICH: Actually, sir, I know a few dead ones who could even do better.
OBAMA: Gentlemen, we need to show a little more civility. Perhaps, we should have a beer summit.
BIDEN: I'm not climbing some mountain just to drink a beer, even if you are the president.
(Biden stalks off into the woods. A few minutes pass.)
KASICH: Anyone seen my playing partner, the vice president?
BOEHNER: I think he may be relieving himself behind that tree over there.
OBAMA: That's just like Joe. Always thinking of the environment.
KASICH: Sir, I think he's doing more than just hugging that tree.
And, so it continued for the next four hours in a match aimed at creating a friendlier political climate. On the course, Obama and Boehner teamed up to beat Biden and Kasich. The victors each took home $2. Perhaps, in a spirit of political harmony, they will agree to donate their winnings to help pay down the nation's debt of $14.2 trillion.
Monday, April 25, 2011
New Rules For Air Traffic Controllers
TO: ALL AIR TRAFFIC CONTROLLERS
FROM: Transportation Secretary Ray N.D. Hood
It has come to my attention that some of you are snoozing on the job, endangering lives of the flying public. In an effort to safeguard the nation's skies, I have instituted the following rules, effective immediately:
1. Controllers will no longer be allowed to direct air traffic from their Sleep Number beds.
2. Instead of sheep, try counting the hair plugs on the top of Joe Biden's head, which are fewer in number.
3. Hang signs around the necks of sleeping air traffic controllers so we can tell them from the ones who are comatose.
4. Do not listen to country music, especially the group "Asleep at the Wheel."
5. If you must sleep, snoring is encouraged because it could wake up a fellow air controller and advert a mid-air collision.
6. Do not read any of Senator Harry Reid's speeches aloud because it may cause severe drowsiness and impair your vision.
7. Candy in the break room will be replaced with Viagra tablets to keep workers stimulated. However, if you are awake for more than four hours, please report it immediately to your doctor.
8. If you find yourself dozing off, rouse your supervisor from his deep sleep and ask to borrow his pillow so you can be more comfortable.
9. Snooze buttons located on the underside of each controller's work station should be removed and replaced with cattle prods.
10. Your government health care will no longer pay for medication to treat insomnia; however, anyone with the disease is now eligible for immediate promotion.
FROM: Transportation Secretary Ray N.D. Hood
It has come to my attention that some of you are snoozing on the job, endangering lives of the flying public. In an effort to safeguard the nation's skies, I have instituted the following rules, effective immediately:
1. Controllers will no longer be allowed to direct air traffic from their Sleep Number beds.
2. Instead of sheep, try counting the hair plugs on the top of Joe Biden's head, which are fewer in number.
3. Hang signs around the necks of sleeping air traffic controllers so we can tell them from the ones who are comatose.
4. Do not listen to country music, especially the group "Asleep at the Wheel."
5. If you must sleep, snoring is encouraged because it could wake up a fellow air controller and advert a mid-air collision.
6. Do not read any of Senator Harry Reid's speeches aloud because it may cause severe drowsiness and impair your vision.
7. Candy in the break room will be replaced with Viagra tablets to keep workers stimulated. However, if you are awake for more than four hours, please report it immediately to your doctor.
8. If you find yourself dozing off, rouse your supervisor from his deep sleep and ask to borrow his pillow so you can be more comfortable.
9. Snooze buttons located on the underside of each controller's work station should be removed and replaced with cattle prods.
10. Your government health care will no longer pay for medication to treat insomnia; however, anyone with the disease is now eligible for immediate promotion.
Thursday, March 24, 2011
Letters from O.H. Bama
Dear Secretary of Defense Gates:
As your commander-in-cheese, it is my duty to spell out the specific mission in Libya for our brave young men and women that have been sent in harm's way. Therefore, let me be absolutely crystal clear about the outcome. I call this the O.H. Bama Doctrine.
Colonel Gadhafi, a dictator with a bad case of acne and a funny hat, must go. That is Job One. However, if he decides to stay, then our duty is to prevent the murder of civilians. But we should only drop bombs to stop the slaughter of innocents. No ground troops. If that doesn't work, we should dither and procastenate. And remember, this is not a war. Killing dictators and their armed forces is a civil way to register our displeasure with Gadhafi. As a reminder, this mission is subject to change, depending on polling data and news coverage.
Excuse me for being so direct with my expectations. It is necessary because Gadhafi refuses to be swayed by my soaring rhetoric urging him to get out of Dodge or wherever he resides. Speaking of nut jobs, please disregard anything Secretary of State Hilliary Clinton utters on this subject. Obviously, all those years explaining Bill's womanizing has left a serious disconnect between her tongue and the truth.
I know you recommended that I get approval from Congress before launching this action. But that suggestion is soooooo George Bush. I am way too busy to trot over to Capitol Hill to explain what Americans are doing in Libya. I have Final Four brackets to manage, golf courses to test and other pressing issues, like visiting Brazil.
Speaker of the House John Boehner will have to haul the French or the Germans or whomever is in charge of this non-war to Congress to explain our involvement. This is their little conflict. I am just going along to show the Muslin world that America is a kinder, gentler nation with me in charge. Think of those bombs as a friendly reminder that America is tolerant of all religions.
Now, I know some folks are insisting that I return that Nobel Peace Prize because of this misunderstanding with Gadhafi. How tacky! You can love peace and still bomb the hell out of a small, insignificant country. There is nothing hypocritical about that.
By the way, next time you see our beloved Vice President "Plugs" Biden could you please explain what a no-fly zone is? After he heard about the Libyan campaign, he rushed into the Oval Office, flapping his arms and clicking his heels. "You have my full support on this decision," he schmoozed. He then dropped his pants and pointed to his underwear. "See, no fly!" he exclaimed.
I know its scary thinking Old Plugs is next in line for the presidency, but be patient with him. He personally saved 3 million jobs, you know.
Your favorite Sorta War Time President,
O.H. Bama
As your commander-in-cheese, it is my duty to spell out the specific mission in Libya for our brave young men and women that have been sent in harm's way. Therefore, let me be absolutely crystal clear about the outcome. I call this the O.H. Bama Doctrine.
Colonel Gadhafi, a dictator with a bad case of acne and a funny hat, must go. That is Job One. However, if he decides to stay, then our duty is to prevent the murder of civilians. But we should only drop bombs to stop the slaughter of innocents. No ground troops. If that doesn't work, we should dither and procastenate. And remember, this is not a war. Killing dictators and their armed forces is a civil way to register our displeasure with Gadhafi. As a reminder, this mission is subject to change, depending on polling data and news coverage.
Excuse me for being so direct with my expectations. It is necessary because Gadhafi refuses to be swayed by my soaring rhetoric urging him to get out of Dodge or wherever he resides. Speaking of nut jobs, please disregard anything Secretary of State Hilliary Clinton utters on this subject. Obviously, all those years explaining Bill's womanizing has left a serious disconnect between her tongue and the truth.
I know you recommended that I get approval from Congress before launching this action. But that suggestion is soooooo George Bush. I am way too busy to trot over to Capitol Hill to explain what Americans are doing in Libya. I have Final Four brackets to manage, golf courses to test and other pressing issues, like visiting Brazil.
Speaker of the House John Boehner will have to haul the French or the Germans or whomever is in charge of this non-war to Congress to explain our involvement. This is their little conflict. I am just going along to show the Muslin world that America is a kinder, gentler nation with me in charge. Think of those bombs as a friendly reminder that America is tolerant of all religions.
Now, I know some folks are insisting that I return that Nobel Peace Prize because of this misunderstanding with Gadhafi. How tacky! You can love peace and still bomb the hell out of a small, insignificant country. There is nothing hypocritical about that.
By the way, next time you see our beloved Vice President "Plugs" Biden could you please explain what a no-fly zone is? After he heard about the Libyan campaign, he rushed into the Oval Office, flapping his arms and clicking his heels. "You have my full support on this decision," he schmoozed. He then dropped his pants and pointed to his underwear. "See, no fly!" he exclaimed.
I know its scary thinking Old Plugs is next in line for the presidency, but be patient with him. He personally saved 3 million jobs, you know.
Your favorite Sorta War Time President,
O.H. Bama
Thursday, November 18, 2010
Big Sis Janet Issues New Pat Down Rules
Faced with a firestorm of public protests, Homeland Security Secretary Janet (Big Sis) Napolitano plans to issue a new set of airport screening procedures for TSA agents. Your faithful scribe obtained a secret copy of the changes, which are shared now before Wikileaks publishes it along with the plans for the Russian invasion.
ATTENTION: TSA AGENTS
Effective today, the following guidelines apply for the pat-down of passengers at all American airports, including the Republic of California:
1. Share a cigarette with passengers after each pat-down to assure them it was a mutually pleasant experience.
2. Refrain from using the word "but" during each pat-down, lest you be misunderstood.
3. If a female passenger refuses a pat-down, offer her a few cocktails, which usually gets rid of inhibitions.
4. You may grope male passengers during a pat-down, but assure them you "won't ask, if they don't tell."
5. Male agents should not pat-down female passengers, unless they are particularly well endowed.
6. After each pat-down, agents may offer passengers a free colon exam while they are waiting for their flight.
7. TSA agents should limit each pat-down to one hour, unless the passenger seems to be enjoying the procedure.
8. While patting down a passenger's groin area, please be respectful and do not ask for home phone numbers until the person has passed through the security area.
9. When running your hands over a female passengers legs, it is irresponsible to suggest the person get reacquainted with a razor.
10. Do not offer to sell full body x-rays of passengers to other TSA agents unless no one is looking.
By following these simple guidelines, you will make the airport screening experience much more enjoyable for the traveling public. As with any policy, there are a few "don'ts" you must observe, including:
1. Don't detain any bearded Imam shouting, "Death to America," unless you have reason to believe he might secretly be a Republican in drag.
2. Don't indulge in profiling, but do require pat-downs for underage children, 80-year old women and American military service men and women in uniform.
3. Don't pat-down Muslin women because your hands will wrinkle their burkas.
4. Don't ask embarrassing questions of passengers holding ink jet cartridges, sporting platform shoes and wearing wired underwear.
5. Don't consult the "No Fly" list because it will just confuse you in carrying out your assigned duties.
6. Don't display your copy of the Koran while you are on duty because people may assume the President is a Muslin.
7. Don't look anyone in the eye, especially if the passenger is unduly nervous, sweating profusely or incessantly fidgeting.
8. Don't open a passengers luggage if there is a sticker on the suitcase reading, "Fly Martyr Airlines."
9. Don't ask for identification of any passenger who claims to have voted for President Obama because he has already suffered enough humiliation.
10. Don't forget to remind passengers to have a "safe" and "tingly" flight after each pat-down.
Janet Incompolitano
ATTENTION: TSA AGENTS
Effective today, the following guidelines apply for the pat-down of passengers at all American airports, including the Republic of California:
1. Share a cigarette with passengers after each pat-down to assure them it was a mutually pleasant experience.
2. Refrain from using the word "but" during each pat-down, lest you be misunderstood.
3. If a female passenger refuses a pat-down, offer her a few cocktails, which usually gets rid of inhibitions.
4. You may grope male passengers during a pat-down, but assure them you "won't ask, if they don't tell."
5. Male agents should not pat-down female passengers, unless they are particularly well endowed.
6. After each pat-down, agents may offer passengers a free colon exam while they are waiting for their flight.
7. TSA agents should limit each pat-down to one hour, unless the passenger seems to be enjoying the procedure.
8. While patting down a passenger's groin area, please be respectful and do not ask for home phone numbers until the person has passed through the security area.
9. When running your hands over a female passengers legs, it is irresponsible to suggest the person get reacquainted with a razor.
10. Do not offer to sell full body x-rays of passengers to other TSA agents unless no one is looking.
By following these simple guidelines, you will make the airport screening experience much more enjoyable for the traveling public. As with any policy, there are a few "don'ts" you must observe, including:
1. Don't detain any bearded Imam shouting, "Death to America," unless you have reason to believe he might secretly be a Republican in drag.
2. Don't indulge in profiling, but do require pat-downs for underage children, 80-year old women and American military service men and women in uniform.
3. Don't pat-down Muslin women because your hands will wrinkle their burkas.
4. Don't ask embarrassing questions of passengers holding ink jet cartridges, sporting platform shoes and wearing wired underwear.
5. Don't consult the "No Fly" list because it will just confuse you in carrying out your assigned duties.
6. Don't display your copy of the Koran while you are on duty because people may assume the President is a Muslin.
7. Don't look anyone in the eye, especially if the passenger is unduly nervous, sweating profusely or incessantly fidgeting.
8. Don't open a passengers luggage if there is a sticker on the suitcase reading, "Fly Martyr Airlines."
9. Don't ask for identification of any passenger who claims to have voted for President Obama because he has already suffered enough humiliation.
10. Don't forget to remind passengers to have a "safe" and "tingly" flight after each pat-down.
Janet Incompolitano
Friday, October 1, 2010
Letters from O.H. Bama
Dear Princess Pelosi:
You were likely as surprised as I was when that intellectual giant Joe Biden recently declared in a public appearance that he was No. 2 in line for the presidency. I guess that makes you No. 1. Frankly, I wouldn't know because I've never read the Constitution. That document is so quaint and out of date. But I must admit that I was taken aback when when one of your limp-wristed staff members entered the Oval Office and began measuring for new drapes.
Just remember, whoever occupies the office is not only responsible for running the country, but also is on the hook for Michelle's credit card payments as well. When those overseas vacation charges begin showing up on the billing statement, you may pine for the old days as Speaker. I know Michelle's charges may seem a bit extravagant, but think of it in terms of the cost of just one of your plastic surgeries.
Perhaps, you should be more worried about keeping your job as Speaker of the House. Polling data shows our party will be booted out in the mid-term elections, despite all I've done to run up record deficits, saddle the country with a bloated health care system and sink the economy. My accomplishments aside, you are not helping matters with your recent decision to postpone a House vote on the Bush tax cuts.
However, I must admit that I liked the way you referred to the extension of the tax reductions as the "Obama" middle class tax cuts. Those stupid voters won't know the difference, particularly the ones who believed all that stuff about hope and change. On that subject, you better hope the Congress doesn't change hands in November because I will drop you from my Blackberry contact list faster than you can say, "Reverend Wright."
Guess you've heard that most of my economic team has abandoned the Good Ship Oh Bama. Good riddance, I say. It's not like they solved the economic crisis I inherited. Now even Rahm Emanuel, the country's real No. 2 in command, has decided to leap overboard. Imagine wanting to be Mayor of Chicago? The cab drivers there smell like the Potomac River after a fish kill.
On a lighter note, I appreciated the nice bible you sent me. I put it on my night stand next to the Quran. I will carry it over the next few weeks when I make carefully orchestrated appearances at churches to convince those dumb voters that I am not a Muslin. The folks at Fox News started that rumor. The First Lady got pretty steamed about it. She practically ripped off her burqa in anger.
No matter what happens in the elections, you will always be known as the first Madam Speaker of the House. Some day there be another woman in that job. But I doubt she will be a Madam. That title belongs to only you.
In closing, let me propose a coupling that might benefit us both. The Presidential Dog "Bo" is feeling a little frisky these days. Perhaps, "Bo" could mate with your bitch, "Tox." Imagine the offspring of "Bo"-"Tox."
Your Teleprompter in Chief,
O.H. Bama
You were likely as surprised as I was when that intellectual giant Joe Biden recently declared in a public appearance that he was No. 2 in line for the presidency. I guess that makes you No. 1. Frankly, I wouldn't know because I've never read the Constitution. That document is so quaint and out of date. But I must admit that I was taken aback when when one of your limp-wristed staff members entered the Oval Office and began measuring for new drapes.
Just remember, whoever occupies the office is not only responsible for running the country, but also is on the hook for Michelle's credit card payments as well. When those overseas vacation charges begin showing up on the billing statement, you may pine for the old days as Speaker. I know Michelle's charges may seem a bit extravagant, but think of it in terms of the cost of just one of your plastic surgeries.
Perhaps, you should be more worried about keeping your job as Speaker of the House. Polling data shows our party will be booted out in the mid-term elections, despite all I've done to run up record deficits, saddle the country with a bloated health care system and sink the economy. My accomplishments aside, you are not helping matters with your recent decision to postpone a House vote on the Bush tax cuts.
However, I must admit that I liked the way you referred to the extension of the tax reductions as the "Obama" middle class tax cuts. Those stupid voters won't know the difference, particularly the ones who believed all that stuff about hope and change. On that subject, you better hope the Congress doesn't change hands in November because I will drop you from my Blackberry contact list faster than you can say, "Reverend Wright."
Guess you've heard that most of my economic team has abandoned the Good Ship Oh Bama. Good riddance, I say. It's not like they solved the economic crisis I inherited. Now even Rahm Emanuel, the country's real No. 2 in command, has decided to leap overboard. Imagine wanting to be Mayor of Chicago? The cab drivers there smell like the Potomac River after a fish kill.
On a lighter note, I appreciated the nice bible you sent me. I put it on my night stand next to the Quran. I will carry it over the next few weeks when I make carefully orchestrated appearances at churches to convince those dumb voters that I am not a Muslin. The folks at Fox News started that rumor. The First Lady got pretty steamed about it. She practically ripped off her burqa in anger.
No matter what happens in the elections, you will always be known as the first Madam Speaker of the House. Some day there be another woman in that job. But I doubt she will be a Madam. That title belongs to only you.
In closing, let me propose a coupling that might benefit us both. The Presidential Dog "Bo" is feeling a little frisky these days. Perhaps, "Bo" could mate with your bitch, "Tox." Imagine the offspring of "Bo"-"Tox."
Your Teleprompter in Chief,
O.H. Bama
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
Letters From O.H. Bama
Dear Joe:
As my wing man and vice president of the entire U.S.A. (except for a few of those racist Red States), I got a request for you. Could you please shut your pie hole? Just when I thought you had learned to avoid microphones, you show up on television babbling about how the Democrats are going to shock the world by winning the mid-term elections. Are you taking political advice from Rod Blagojevich? Come on, Joe, help me here.
I tell you what would be a shocker: keeping your job after 2012. The only reason you've survived this long is because the first daughters enjoy watching you fetch their Frisbees on the White House lawn. But don't push your luck. First dog Bo has been practicing up and he's getting pretty good at it. And the girls don't have to water Bo's hair to make it grow.
Your latest blunder is one in a long string of verbal miscues. Your feet spend more time in your mouth than they do in your shoes. The First Lady thinks you should make one of those info-commercials for a new product. She suggests naming it Joe's Gaffe-O-Matic. It slices and dices sentences rendering every communication unintelligible.
In the event you think I'm being too harsh, consider some of these doozies you've uttered since we've been America's Top Duo. I've culled the list to include my personal Top Five gaffes:
1. "...the plan does nothing to tackle the number-one job facing the middle class. And it happens to be, as Barack says, a three-letter word: jobs. J-O-B-S. Jobs," on the campaign trail in Ohio.
2. "His mom lived in Long Island for ten years or so. God rest her soul. And, although, she's...wait, your mom's still alive. Your dad passed. God bless her soul!" consoling the Irish Prime Minister.
3. "If we do everything right, if we do it with absolute certainty, there's still a 30% chance we're going to get it wrong," at the annual House Democratic caucus.
4. "Jill and I had the great honor of standing on that stage, looking across at one of the great justices, Justice Stewart," referring to Justice John Paul Stevens.
5. "When the stock market crashed, Franklin D. Roosevelt got on the television and didn't just talk about it, you know, the princes of greed. He said, 'Look, here's what happened," in a CBS interview, apparently unaware that FDR wasn't president in 1929 and there were no television sets in American homes.
Well, I think you get my drift, Joe. This may be one of those teachable moments I'm so fond of. I have this theory that your gaffes may have been caused by a botched hair transplant surgery. One of those plug holes must have hit brain tissue. I'd get it checked out, if I were you.
Some in our party have suggested you go into hiding until after the next presidential election. Find some place no one ever goes. Locate a spot that even I don't know exists. Have you considered just hanging out in your office?
If that doesn't work out, then perhaps you could roam around the halls of some hospital. Stick your head into the rooms with really sick people. You never know. You could catch a sore throat and lose your voice. Wouldn't that be a lucky break for us?
Despite my admonitions, you have nothing to fear. I would never dump you from the ticket. I mean you really are good for me. Standing next to you, even I sound like I know what I'm talking about. That's good enough for me, Joe.
In fact, in your honor, I have an idea for next year's Earth Day celebration. I'll invite every child in America to come to the White House and plant a hair plug on the top of your head.
Tired of following behind you with a pooper scoop,
O.H. Bama
As my wing man and vice president of the entire U.S.A. (except for a few of those racist Red States), I got a request for you. Could you please shut your pie hole? Just when I thought you had learned to avoid microphones, you show up on television babbling about how the Democrats are going to shock the world by winning the mid-term elections. Are you taking political advice from Rod Blagojevich? Come on, Joe, help me here.
I tell you what would be a shocker: keeping your job after 2012. The only reason you've survived this long is because the first daughters enjoy watching you fetch their Frisbees on the White House lawn. But don't push your luck. First dog Bo has been practicing up and he's getting pretty good at it. And the girls don't have to water Bo's hair to make it grow.
Your latest blunder is one in a long string of verbal miscues. Your feet spend more time in your mouth than they do in your shoes. The First Lady thinks you should make one of those info-commercials for a new product. She suggests naming it Joe's Gaffe-O-Matic. It slices and dices sentences rendering every communication unintelligible.
In the event you think I'm being too harsh, consider some of these doozies you've uttered since we've been America's Top Duo. I've culled the list to include my personal Top Five gaffes:
1. "...the plan does nothing to tackle the number-one job facing the middle class. And it happens to be, as Barack says, a three-letter word: jobs. J-O-B-S. Jobs," on the campaign trail in Ohio.
2. "His mom lived in Long Island for ten years or so. God rest her soul. And, although, she's...wait, your mom's still alive. Your dad passed. God bless her soul!" consoling the Irish Prime Minister.
3. "If we do everything right, if we do it with absolute certainty, there's still a 30% chance we're going to get it wrong," at the annual House Democratic caucus.
4. "Jill and I had the great honor of standing on that stage, looking across at one of the great justices, Justice Stewart," referring to Justice John Paul Stevens.
5. "When the stock market crashed, Franklin D. Roosevelt got on the television and didn't just talk about it, you know, the princes of greed. He said, 'Look, here's what happened," in a CBS interview, apparently unaware that FDR wasn't president in 1929 and there were no television sets in American homes.
Well, I think you get my drift, Joe. This may be one of those teachable moments I'm so fond of. I have this theory that your gaffes may have been caused by a botched hair transplant surgery. One of those plug holes must have hit brain tissue. I'd get it checked out, if I were you.
Some in our party have suggested you go into hiding until after the next presidential election. Find some place no one ever goes. Locate a spot that even I don't know exists. Have you considered just hanging out in your office?
If that doesn't work out, then perhaps you could roam around the halls of some hospital. Stick your head into the rooms with really sick people. You never know. You could catch a sore throat and lose your voice. Wouldn't that be a lucky break for us?
Despite my admonitions, you have nothing to fear. I would never dump you from the ticket. I mean you really are good for me. Standing next to you, even I sound like I know what I'm talking about. That's good enough for me, Joe.
In fact, in your honor, I have an idea for next year's Earth Day celebration. I'll invite every child in America to come to the White House and plant a hair plug on the top of your head.
Tired of following behind you with a pooper scoop,
O.H. Bama
Thursday, June 24, 2010
Letters From O.H. Bama
Dear General Petraeus:
As your lovable commander-in-chief, I feel it is my obligation to lay down a few ground rules to help you avoid some of the mistakes of your predecessor, General Stanley McChrystal.
But before I do, perhaps what we have here is a teachable moment. Generals are to be seen and not heard. I think McChrystal gets that now. Unfortunately, he was a little slow on the uptake so now he's just another Big Mac whose buns got toasted.
Let me also clear the air about my previous comments and those of other Democrats when you appeared on the Hill during the last failed presidency. Yes, back then we called you, "General Betray-us." And, that was one of the kinder names. But as you know general, sometimes war makes for strange bedfellows, especially under those silly "don't ask, don't tell" rules.
I hope that puts your mind at ease. You have my undying, intractable, 110 percent support. You can count on that just as surely as you can count on balanced budgets and no cuts in defense spending.
Now, here are those ground rules I promised:
1. Avoid drunken interviews with Rolling Stone magazine. If you feel you must speak to one of their reporters, stick to these talking points: "Barack, good. Taliban, bad."
2. Never call the vice president Joe Bite Me. You my refer to him as Plugs, Halfwit, Numbskull or Clueless. Out of respect for the handicapped, we should never call brain dead people a disparaging name.
3. Never say that I (your commander-in-chief) looks "uncomfortable" and "intimidated" in a room full of military people. Sometimes my Presidential underwear bunches up and I get a pained expression on my face. But I am never ill at ease in any roomful of puffed up generals who wouldn't know the first thing about community organizing.
4. Meetings with me are never referred to as "photo ops." However, get used to getting your picture taken by the press every time you show up at the White House. After the photo session, we should have a minute or two to discuss the Afghan conflict before my afternoon basketball game or a round of golf.
Now, I know what you must be thinking. "Oh great, I'm going to have to kiss the President's rear end to keep my job." Not true. A peck on the back, neck or Presidential ring is all that is required.
I realize that it probably wasn't this way when you worked for that dolt, George Bush. He expected you to tell the truth and run the war effort as if the U.S. wanted to win. Forget that stuff. My larger-than-life image matters more than a bunch of poppy-growing, women-hating, beard-wearing, rag heads in Afghanistan.
Besides, if things go terribly wrong in Afghanistan, I can always blame Bush. After all, he is the one who appointed you in the first place. I'm just a victim of his past misjudgements.
But don't worry, general. I got your back.
Your Commander-in-Chief (and don't ever forget it),
O.H. Bama
As your lovable commander-in-chief, I feel it is my obligation to lay down a few ground rules to help you avoid some of the mistakes of your predecessor, General Stanley McChrystal.
But before I do, perhaps what we have here is a teachable moment. Generals are to be seen and not heard. I think McChrystal gets that now. Unfortunately, he was a little slow on the uptake so now he's just another Big Mac whose buns got toasted.
Let me also clear the air about my previous comments and those of other Democrats when you appeared on the Hill during the last failed presidency. Yes, back then we called you, "General Betray-us." And, that was one of the kinder names. But as you know general, sometimes war makes for strange bedfellows, especially under those silly "don't ask, don't tell" rules.
I hope that puts your mind at ease. You have my undying, intractable, 110 percent support. You can count on that just as surely as you can count on balanced budgets and no cuts in defense spending.
Now, here are those ground rules I promised:
1. Avoid drunken interviews with Rolling Stone magazine. If you feel you must speak to one of their reporters, stick to these talking points: "Barack, good. Taliban, bad."
2. Never call the vice president Joe Bite Me. You my refer to him as Plugs, Halfwit, Numbskull or Clueless. Out of respect for the handicapped, we should never call brain dead people a disparaging name.
3. Never say that I (your commander-in-chief) looks "uncomfortable" and "intimidated" in a room full of military people. Sometimes my Presidential underwear bunches up and I get a pained expression on my face. But I am never ill at ease in any roomful of puffed up generals who wouldn't know the first thing about community organizing.
4. Meetings with me are never referred to as "photo ops." However, get used to getting your picture taken by the press every time you show up at the White House. After the photo session, we should have a minute or two to discuss the Afghan conflict before my afternoon basketball game or a round of golf.
Now, I know what you must be thinking. "Oh great, I'm going to have to kiss the President's rear end to keep my job." Not true. A peck on the back, neck or Presidential ring is all that is required.
I realize that it probably wasn't this way when you worked for that dolt, George Bush. He expected you to tell the truth and run the war effort as if the U.S. wanted to win. Forget that stuff. My larger-than-life image matters more than a bunch of poppy-growing, women-hating, beard-wearing, rag heads in Afghanistan.
Besides, if things go terribly wrong in Afghanistan, I can always blame Bush. After all, he is the one who appointed you in the first place. I'm just a victim of his past misjudgements.
But don't worry, general. I got your back.
Your Commander-in-Chief (and don't ever forget it),
O.H. Bama
Wednesday, May 5, 2010
Letters From O.H. Bama
Dear Mr. B. Petroleum:
As oil continues to gush from your company's well in the Gulf of Mexico, I must protest British Petroleum's handling of this crisis. Your firm dawdled and dilly dallied while the ocean turned chocolate. While you fretted about what to do, I was "monitoring" the situation on CNN. While channel-surfing, I was able to catch the last few innings of a White Sox game. As you can tell, I was right on top of the crisis.
But what really gets me steamed is that BP continues to rake in millions of dollars in evil profits during the crisis. Now is not the time for making money. In fact, I consider it my civic duty to assist BP in going broke. Its the least I can do for a company that is obviously too big to ever fail without my assistance.
Remember, I don't like anything big. Big executive pay. Hate it. Big profits. Yuck! Big successful firms. Can't stand them. Big oil. Double detest. And most of all, I cringe every time I see the First Lady's big rear end. You'd think Jenny Craig would deliver meals to the White House, of all places.
I think what we have here is a teachable moment. When something goes boom in the middle of the ocean, you need to pay attention. Duh! Unless of course, that sound is just one of those noisy Tea Bagger..I mean Tea Party..rallies filled with hateful speech. (In that case, I'd say let them drown in their own oily rhetoric.)
At the first sign of trouble, BP should have capped the oil flow. By my reckoning, an intelligent CEO would have anticipated this accident and never drilled in the first place. As I have so often demonstrated, doing nothing usually carries the day when you are faced with a decision. The key is to talk about action while sitting on your hands. You may get butt cheek impressions on your knuckles, but Speaker Pelosi claims there is surgery to remove the stubborn wrinkles. She should know.
Now, I know what you are thinking: "But Mr. Bama, British Petroleum was a big contributor to your senatorial and presidential campaigns, to the tune of $77,000. How about cutting BP some slack?" This is the beauty of my public berating of your company. No one will suspect that I'm actually in the tank for BP. Believe me, the media is too busy genuflecting before my official presidential photo to notice. And forget the voters. They are so stupid most actually believed that whole hope and change thing.
It was my hired gun Rhamm who actually suggested I tell the press that I had my "boot on the throat of BP." I thought that was a clever way of showing the size of my presidential scrotum. However, some have suggested the image might conjure up visions of jack-booted dictators with funny mustaches. That's nonsense. I plan to shave off the Charlie Chaplin mustache tomorrow.
Since I am never one to waste a good crisis, I checked with my sidekick Joe "Plugs" Biden about what else we could do to stick it to BP. In the course of the conversation, Plugs said something really poignant. (Yeah, I know. I was shocked too. Who knew Plugs could even spell poignant?)
Plugs said that the two states currently threatened by the growing oil slick are Mississippi and Louisiana. He reminded me that both states went for John McCain in the presidential contest. That got Plugs to thinking. What poetic justice it would be if oil wiped out wide swathes of obviously disenchanted voters?
I think Plugs is on to something. Go ahead and drench Mississippi, Louisiana, Alabama and Texas with your BP oil spill goo. Drill and spill, baby. Drill and spill. However, you got to protect Florida's coast. I carried that state you know. We must do all we can to protect the fragile environment.
Your President In Chief,
O.H. Bama
As oil continues to gush from your company's well in the Gulf of Mexico, I must protest British Petroleum's handling of this crisis. Your firm dawdled and dilly dallied while the ocean turned chocolate. While you fretted about what to do, I was "monitoring" the situation on CNN. While channel-surfing, I was able to catch the last few innings of a White Sox game. As you can tell, I was right on top of the crisis.
But what really gets me steamed is that BP continues to rake in millions of dollars in evil profits during the crisis. Now is not the time for making money. In fact, I consider it my civic duty to assist BP in going broke. Its the least I can do for a company that is obviously too big to ever fail without my assistance.
Remember, I don't like anything big. Big executive pay. Hate it. Big profits. Yuck! Big successful firms. Can't stand them. Big oil. Double detest. And most of all, I cringe every time I see the First Lady's big rear end. You'd think Jenny Craig would deliver meals to the White House, of all places.
I think what we have here is a teachable moment. When something goes boom in the middle of the ocean, you need to pay attention. Duh! Unless of course, that sound is just one of those noisy Tea Bagger..I mean Tea Party..rallies filled with hateful speech. (In that case, I'd say let them drown in their own oily rhetoric.)
At the first sign of trouble, BP should have capped the oil flow. By my reckoning, an intelligent CEO would have anticipated this accident and never drilled in the first place. As I have so often demonstrated, doing nothing usually carries the day when you are faced with a decision. The key is to talk about action while sitting on your hands. You may get butt cheek impressions on your knuckles, but Speaker Pelosi claims there is surgery to remove the stubborn wrinkles. She should know.
Now, I know what you are thinking: "But Mr. Bama, British Petroleum was a big contributor to your senatorial and presidential campaigns, to the tune of $77,000. How about cutting BP some slack?" This is the beauty of my public berating of your company. No one will suspect that I'm actually in the tank for BP. Believe me, the media is too busy genuflecting before my official presidential photo to notice. And forget the voters. They are so stupid most actually believed that whole hope and change thing.
It was my hired gun Rhamm who actually suggested I tell the press that I had my "boot on the throat of BP." I thought that was a clever way of showing the size of my presidential scrotum. However, some have suggested the image might conjure up visions of jack-booted dictators with funny mustaches. That's nonsense. I plan to shave off the Charlie Chaplin mustache tomorrow.
Since I am never one to waste a good crisis, I checked with my sidekick Joe "Plugs" Biden about what else we could do to stick it to BP. In the course of the conversation, Plugs said something really poignant. (Yeah, I know. I was shocked too. Who knew Plugs could even spell poignant?)
Plugs said that the two states currently threatened by the growing oil slick are Mississippi and Louisiana. He reminded me that both states went for John McCain in the presidential contest. That got Plugs to thinking. What poetic justice it would be if oil wiped out wide swathes of obviously disenchanted voters?
I think Plugs is on to something. Go ahead and drench Mississippi, Louisiana, Alabama and Texas with your BP oil spill goo. Drill and spill, baby. Drill and spill. However, you got to protect Florida's coast. I carried that state you know. We must do all we can to protect the fragile environment.
Your President In Chief,
O.H. Bama
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