Secret Unveiled: Obama's Letter To The Ayatollah

CLASSIFIED: Islamic Eyes Only

Dear Ayatollah:

As one Supreme Leader to another, let me be clear.  Under no circumstances should the contents of this letter be divulged.  If those Republican nitwits in my country knew I was writing to you, it would appear as if I was leaving Congress out of the diplomatic loop.  Like I care!  Ha-Ha.

I want to refrain from using the "N' word but I don't think it can be avoided.  (No, I'm not talking about THAT "n" word that every black rapper spouts.)  I refer to Nukes.  Those contemptible Israelis believe you are secretly building nuclear weapons.  My own super snoops at the CIA are of the same mind.

Let me be clear: I take you at your word when you say you have no plutonium.  Heck, when I asked my Vice President Joe Biden for his counsel, he thought plutonium was a planet.  But I digress. Anyone who dresses in a long robe and sports a beard has got to be trustworthy in my book.

By the way, ignore blow-dried John Kerry.  That guy flits in-and-out of countries without messing up a single hair on his oversized head.  I liked it better when disheveled Hillary Clinton was our secretary of state.  Now there was someone who looked like she had a lot of miles on her.

Here's the deal.  If you promise not to bomb my birthplace in Kenya, then I feel we can strike an agreement.  Just make sure you hide those nuclear enrichment facilities out of sight of the international inspectors.  It shouldn't be a problem.  Most of them are dependent on seeing eye dogs.

I know the mullahs over there might be skeptical of any deal with American infidels.  But remember I bow to every Muslin I meet.  I still recall the sweet sound of the call to evening prayers.  The real enemy is missionaries who want to convert everyone in Iran to Christianity. That is pure evil.

On another matter, it has come to my attention that your country launched the first test flight for a drone that was an exact replica of the U.S. model you captured in 2011.  I already have enough trouble with the Chinese ignoring American copyright laws.  I didn't think you'd stoop this low.

Just do me a favor.  When you are ready to arm the drones, check with me for a list of targets.  There are a whole lot of new Republicans headed to Washington.  If we can eliminate a sizable number before January, my party can retain the House and Senate. Elections are so overrated.

As a bonus, the American tech giant Apple is readying the launch of a new wearable device that tracks how far a person runs.  There are a lot of names being bandied about.  I could use my influence to get the company to call it iRan.  Cool, huh?

There is one last item on my agenda.  We need Iran's help in fighting the Islamic State or ISIS in Iraq.  I don't want to anger my shrinking party base by sending boots into Iraq.  If you could unleash your army to destroy ISIS, I would have more time to concentrate on the important stuff, like golf.

In exchange, I promise to continue to reduce the budget and the size of the American military.  I am thinking about sending every last soldier and seamen to Africa to fight Ebola as a way to take them out of the field of battle.  You would have nothing to fear from us except perhaps a viral infection.

In closing, I had to laugh the other day when I saw your tweet about how to take out Israel.  You don't need nuclear bombs for that.  My foreign policy is weakening their position in the Middle East every day. Just hang around another two years and you won't have to deal with the Jews except at the banks.

I remain America's Supreme Leader according to the two-thirds who didn't vote in the midterm elections.

Barrack Hussein Obama
President, the Divided States of America